Being Single Doesn’t Mean You’re Flawed

Last week I was asked to guest speak about sex, dating, and relationships at a monthly event for Gals Guide.com at J-Bar.  To read more on it check out my Street Team blog. As fun as the event was I noticed a very interesting and puzzling thing as the night progressed and the drinks were a-flowin’.  Blagica and Sarah, the women running the event, both said the ladies had a great time and many made statements about how good looking I was, how nice I was, etc., followed up with statements wondering why the hell I was single.

Now I don’t bring this up to brag that women think I’m very attractive.  In fact to the contrary I think I have a face that would scare small children, but that’s beside the point.  The point I’m making is an argument that I’ve made before, and am always fascinated by:  that people assume if you’re “normal” in every other way but single there must be something wrong with you.  The women asking with surprise, “Why the hell is he single,” is proof to that.

They wouldn’t ask that question if they weren’t expecting an answer such as, “He has committment issues,” or “He just got out of a bad relationship,” or “He’s a player,” or “He’s gay” — all false, although one woman there did ask me if I was gay.

While there is no palpable reason why I’m single, the sad truth is that the general population believes that if you’re in your late twenties or early thirties and are still single there must be something wrong with you — that you’re flawed in some way.  They think you’re a player just out for sex, you can’t commit, or have some character flaw that prevents any member of the opposite sex from wanting anything to do with you.  Hogwash!

I’m not all that surprised really.  After all, women are very analytical.  They ask “why” to trivial things way more than they need to–sorta like toddlers do.  Women hear, “I’m single” and immediately think, “Hmm he might be suspect.”  Men hear, “I’m single” and immediately think, “Cool, I can have sex with her without a jealous boyfriend coming after me.”  Over thinking is OK in some situations, ladies, such as deciding if White Castle at 3 am is a good idea or not, but the “I’m single” situation isn’t one of them.  Sometimes it is what it is.

What ever happened to being selective before you jump into a relationship?  Or maybe you’re so busy that you can’t provide the time a good relationship requires.  Maybe you simply haven’t met the right girl.  George Clooney’s been single forever; you don’t hear anyone saying he’s broken do ya?  Yet another similarity between me and George.

So ladies, when a seemingly decent dude tells you he’s single don’t be so quick to be suspicious like you’re getting an awesome price on a car and asking, “Hmm what’s the catch?”  Sometimes there isn’t one.  How bout this:  if you’re curious why we’re single, just ask.  I know forthright communication between men and women is a radical idea, but it’s been known to happen. 

You can learn more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.comand make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com. 

Distraction Sex is Just a Band-Aid

Sex isn’t just sex. There’s a bunch a different kinds. There’s make-up sex, revenge sex, hate sex, etc.  One type of sex that seldom gets any press is distraction sex.  It’s something I’ve had some experience with in my sex and dating career.

Distraction sex is sex you have with other people just to get your mind off the person you REALLY want to be having sex withk, and that person — your ”Number One” – is likely someone you have feelings for.  It could be a very recent ex that you haven’t gotten over yet or someone you’re casually dating, but either way, you wish it was something more. They’re on your mind so much that you resort to having casual sex with someone else to stop the emotional wheels in your head from turnin’.  Like the song says, “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

The logic behind distraction sex is it’s an ego boost, which acts a good counter-balance to the low self-esteem you’re feeling from being without your Number One.  It’s a quick ego pick-me-up. It says, “Hey dude, you’re still dead sexy and chicks still want you.”

The fact of the matter, though, is that distraction sex doesn’t work. It’s just a Band-Aid, and like a Band-Aid it doesn’t cure the wound, it just covers it up.  After the sex is over and your guest is gone, you’re right back to yearning for Number One.  In fact you’ll probably feel worse because you’ll be thinking, “Man, I wish I could’ve done that with ‘So-And-So.’”  Don’t get me wrong, I would never say stop having sex if you can’t have it with Number One.  I’m simply saying that for sex to be enjoyable, make sure you’re having it for the right reasons, not just as a distraction.  After all, I could punch myself in the face to distract me from a sore back but somehow it just doesn’t make sense, does it?

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com. 

Ladies, Here’s Your Chance to Get in the Know

In the past few years that I’ve been writing my sex and dating column, and more recently my blog, I’ve received countless emails and posts asking every type of sex, dating, and relationship question known to man (and woman). Although I love interacting with the readers, they were just faceless names on the email heading in the vast of cyberspace. There was no personal interaction.

Now that me and my psychiatrist partner-in-crime, Dr. Paul Dobransky, record our NBC5 podcast “The Fireman and the Shrink,” our listeners connect with us so much that they wish they were in the conversation with us. Ladies, don’t you wish you could ask any question about sex, dating, and relationships and get a no-holds-barred answer from a male perspective? Well you’re in luck, because now you can!

Me and Dr. Paul will be appearing at JBar (inside the James Hotel, 610 N. Rush) this Thursday June 19th from 7 pm – 8:30pm. We’ll be answering questions at an open forum of ladies’ sex, dating, and relationship questions, and anything goes! We’ll also be interviewing and recording some podcasts with any ladies willing to be heard! And best of all, ladies, you’ll be in good company because the event is being brought to you by GalsGuide.com, THE site women turn to when they have questions about adjusting to life in the big city after college. And although it’s ladies’ night, guys, you’re invited too! It’s gonna be a blast, so hope to see you there!!

Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You

As any relationship guru will tell you, the key to any successful relationship is communication.  Believe it or not, the same goes for casual sex and dating.  Certainly good communication seems pretty simple on the surface, but the fact of the matter is that about 80% of the world’s population is stupid.  Casual dating drama is usually caused by vital information not getting from Point A to Point B.

This is never more true than when guys can’t read between the lines with what the girl they’re dating is telling them — especially when being dumped.  Now of course all the blame doesn’t lie with the dense guy.  When a girl is giving a dude his walking papers she should just say it outright.  But not everyone is comfortable giving the truth, especially when it’s something as uncomfortable as saying, “Call me never.”  So what the girl usually does is give vague details about why she hasn’t called, like she’s been busy, hasn’t been feeling well, cat died, etc.  But what she’s really saying is, “don’t call me, I’ll call you.”

For whatever reason though some men don’t get it.  Maybe they have a crappy ability of reading vibes, or they’re in denial that their girl is moving on to greener pastures.  Either way, the end result is the poor sap doing the endless texts and unreturned calls, which transforms him from the guy she used to dig to the desperate chump who can’t take a hint.

So guys, in the interests of saving some face and a little bit of frustration, use your instincts to tell yourself that when something doesn’t seem quite right with your girl — it probably isn’t.  Realize that when she’s giving you every excuse in the book not to see or talk to you or text it might as well be her saying, “Don’t call me I’ll call you.”  And follow those unspoken words as gospel.  If she does call you then things are just fine.  If she doesn’t then you were right.  Where I come from that’s called win-win.  

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcast “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com. 

Just When You Think You’re Out, They Pull You Back In

Remember that classic line in the “Godfather Part III” when Al Pacino’s character Michael Corleone painful and angrily professes, “Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in!”  He’s referring to the fact that as hard as he tries to become legit and move away from the mob life forever, a series of unfortunate events sucks him back into the life of a mafioso kingpin.

The deeper message, of course, is that it shows that try as you might, you can’t really change who you are.  Dress a pig up in a tuxedo and it’s still a pig.  Michael tried to act like he was a professional legit businessman, but the ruthless mob boss — his true self — always rises to the surface.  It’s kind of the same in dating.

You see, there are some people out there — such as yours truly — who have done the casual dating thing for so long that they feel uber-comfortable doing it.  They become pretty damn good at it, too. Just like the mob hitmen who can whack countless people without flinching, serial daters can casually date without the emotional binds that may affect other people. Eventually, like Michael Corleone, it becomes who they are. 

But then, every once in a while an anomaly occurs.  The serial daters sometimes meet someone they like just a little bit more than the others. Mind you, they don’t lose their bearings, dating common sense, or fall head-over-heels in love or anything. They just think that maybe it’s a person they can date a little more regularly in the interests of seeing where it goes.  Like Michael, you start wondering if you might have it in you to go legit. And for a while it looks like you might be able to pull it off.  But then…

The Godfather-esque unfortunate event happens.  For whatever reason it doesn’t work out and they’re back to the casual dating.  And on the surface it’s not a big deal; people go their separate ways all the time.  But, like Michael, the bigger picture is that try as hard as you might, they can’t change who they are. Til the day Michael died he wondered if he was beyond changing.  It makes one wonder that is once a serial dater always a serial dater?  In some ways it makes them cynical about anything beyond casual dating.  They may think, “Man I let my guard down and it blew up in my face.  I shoulda known better!”

But in the end and in classic Obama fashion I’m a big believer in change.  Can a serial dater change his (or her) stripes?  Probably.  But, like Michael Corleone, we may have to leave a trail of bodies behind us on the road to becoming legit.

You can learn more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & The Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff on NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com

Guys: See Sex In The City And Learn

With the Sex and the City Juggernaut sweeping the nation I’ve noticed a lot of media writers and columnist, mostly men, defending the male position that they shouldn’t be pressured by their wives / girlfriends to go see the movie with them. At the same time they blast these same women for being dismayed if their man doesn’t want to go. I have a problem with that.

Guys, take it from me, there is nothing wrong with liking SATC. In fact, men can learn endless volumes about women from SATC. You see, Hollywood is dominated by male writers. SATC is different in that the majority of the writers for that show are female. Writers always inject a little of themselves in what they write so we’d be foolish to believe that these female writers didn’t write a little truth about what women really want, need, and experience in the four female characters. It’s the epidome of life imitating art.

The bottom line is don’t be insecure. Seeing a chick flick doesn’t mean you’re not a man. Be mature and grow a pair. There’s no downside to attending with your girl. She’ll be happy you cared enough to go with her and if you have half a brain you might even learn something.

The great sex talk doesn’t end with the blog! Every week myself and Dr. Paul Dobransky, my psychiatrist partner-in-crime, record our street smart-yet-clinical podcast “The Fireman and the Shrink”. Check out our thoughts on the SATC here:

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