What Your Sex Numbers Say About You

Everyone would like to think they’re good in the sack.  I mean, really, who goes bragging that their nickname is Three-Pump Jonny?  (That’s just an example and in NO way meant to be taken seriously, by the way).  Similarly, guys don’t want their girls to be lame in bed either.  You may be thinking, “Not me, pal.  My girlfriend is crazy-freaky in bed, so there!”  If so, kudos; you’re one of the lucky ones.  But before you break your arm patting yourself on the back, riddle me this:  How do you think she got that way?

 

As much as you’d like to think you’re the all-masterful sex teacher that you are, chances are she had a little experience in learning those positions that could make Olympic gymnasts cringe.  Let’s explore further, shall we?

 

The amount of sexual partners you’ve had are your “numbers”.  Everyone’s got ‘em.  It’s your sexual resume, of sorts.  Some think that women with high numbers are sluts and guys with high numbers are players.  Fair labels?  Is there such as a thing as having too high a number?

 

One girl I polled says yes.  When asked what she would think of a 21 year old girl that’s been with 20 guys, she answered in one simple word, “Slut”.  Really?  Fascinating!  So then if 20 is too high a number, what’s the number that separates slut from normal?  10?  15?  She didn’t know, and believe it or not I don’t know either.  Weird, huh?

 

My friend Nicole thinks it’s not a matter of numbers, but a matter of frequency.  She thinks if you have sex with multiple partners in a short span of time, that’s when you approach slut status.  So then what’s the frequency and time span?  She didn’t know, and again I didn’t either.  See how perplexing sex numbers can be?  It’s like you need a physics degree just to have a sex life!

 

Speaking of sluts, what’s the definition of one anyway?  Nicole thinks it’s simply a girl who has high numbers.  I disagree though.  I think a slut is based on behavior, not actions.  A slut is a girl who brags about the sex she has.  It’s the girl who uses sex to get attention.  It’s the girl who you see making out with 6 different guys at the bar in one night.  You know–something you basically see on any given Saturday night at a Lincoln Park bar.  And if that’s you, don’t fret.  I’m not making fun of you.  Be the best slut you can be.  Who am I to judge?

 

So then is it acceptable for men to have higher numbers than women, even at the same age?  Every woman I asked said that although it isn’t fair, it’s acceptable, and actually expected, for men to have higher numbers.  Huh?  How does that even remotely make sense?  As a population wouldn’t male and female numbers generally be the same?  If ours are higher as a whole then doesn’t mean we men are having sex with the same small group of high-numbered women?  That’s just plain wrong on so many levels.  Gotta love the double standard, huh?

 

I guess in the end numbers don’t mean anything because you’ll never get the truth anyway.  Girls always drop their numbers while men always round theirs up.  Why would you purposefully place yourself in the “double condom required” category simply because you confessed your high numbers?  Your numbers are personal.  They’re not for bragging.  Reporting your true numbers will just open yourself up to scrutiny and judgment.  No good can come of it.  It’s like handing Naomi Cambell a cell phone and then daring her to whip it at you.  I think we all know how that would turn out.

Beware of Sexual False Advertising

Through a mixture of experience and conceit I’m pretty sure I got the whole sex and dating thing down pretty well.  Even so, every now and then something in the crazy world of sex and dating throws me for a loop.  I know…hard to believe, but true.

Here’s the scenario:  you have a booty call relationship with someone where they basically come over way after sundown for sex.  It’s not JUST sex, mind you.  There is a little hanging out, chatting, and catching up before the clothes go a-flyin’.  You both know what the relationship is and you’re cool with it.  It’s all good, right?  Well…

Once in a blue moon one of these people will contact you for a would-be booty call and here’s how the convo goes:  Her:  “Want some company?”  You:  “Sure, come on by.”  Her:  “You sure it’s not too late?”  You:  Nope,  definitely come by”  Her:  “Ok, just so you know, though, it’s that time of the month.”

Silence.

That’s what we in the sex and dating biz call false advertising.  She used the unwritten protocol of asking if I want company, which in the past with her has ALWAYS meant “do you want me to come over for sex” to corner me into a non-sex hang-out session.  She dangled the bait and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Granted they may do this unintentionally with no sinister motives, but it doesn’t make the advertising any less false.

Intentional or not, it’s false advertising because the late-night visit offer after a night out drinking with her friends implies sex.  Why?  Because every other sexual encounter with her started the exact same way.  She drops the time of the month bombshell only after I’m all in.  Now I’m obligated; there’s no turning back.  If I say, “Oh it is?  Umm…well let’s save it for another time then,” then I look like a major a-hole.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like a non-sex visit with them is horrible. In fact it’s cool to hang out with them sometimes – just maybe not THAT night.  Maybe I don’t wanna watch a movie.  Maybe I don’t wanna have idle chit-chat about how my last shift at the firehouse was.  Maybe I was just in the mood for sex.  It was the classic bait and switch.

Sure it sounds harsh, but that’s the way the world works…at least the sex and dating world.  And for you haters out there, don’t go assuming I expect sex every time a gal drops by.  So not true.  If a booty call asks on a non-sex occasion to just hang out that’s completely fine.  I like chillin’ too.  But mention it right away; don’t present the offer similar to every other sexual visit and then drop the no sex disclaimer when it’s too late to back out.  It’s like offering me ice cream and when I say, “yes” you say, “well too bad, I don’t have any.” 

In corporate America businesses can get sued for false advertising.  While I don’t suggest something that harsh where sex is concerned, steps should still be taken to avoid it.  Be open and upfront about what the late night visit is about to avoid any drama later.  If you’re close enough to have sex with the person then there should be no awkwardness in telling them right away if sex going to be part of the itinerary.  That way there’ll be less disappointment, less misunderstandings, and maybe even less lawsuits.

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.comand make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff on NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com. 

I’m Too Good for Bad Dates

Recently I was chatting with a female friend about how she’s had a stretch of bad dates lately.  After hearing every grisly gut-wrenching detail of the dates she was right; they WERE bad dates.  As sorry as I was for her I do always get a perverted thrill in hearing other people’s dating misery.  What can I say; I’m easilly entertained.

So my expert opinion for her was that the dates were definitely bad because of the dudes — they were lame-o’s.  But imagine her surprise when I then told her that in the end, it was her fault.

And that goes for all of you out there who go on continuous runs of bad dates.  Maybe you weren’t the one who made them bad, but it’s definitely your fault.  Why?  Most likely it’s because of your poor selection skills when it comes to accepting who you’ll date.  I got news for you:  just because someone asks doesn’t mean you have to go out with them. 

Take me for example.  Life is WAY too short to go on bad dates.  And yes, I’m not shy in proclaiming that I’m too good for bad dates.  Conceited, you say?  Maybe.  But I’ll hazard to guess that if more people were as selective as me they’d have a lot less dating woes.

I’m of the opinion that, at least in my world, 85% of the population is undateable for one reason or another.  That leaves the remaining 15% for me to sift through.  But since that’s such a low percentage it means you date a lot less–and THAT’S where people get themselves in trouble.

Some people think dating success is determined by volume.  They feel confident if their dating calendar is full.  They think if they’re not going on dates then they’re a loser.  But the reality is that dating is all about quality not quantity.  I’ll take sitting on the couch in my underwear watching Family Guy and eating mac and cheese out of the pan over a bad date any day of the week–and feel totally secure in my dating life doing it.  That’s why I don’t have many bad date stories.  I go for top shelf.  I’m a 15% kinda guy.

Granted women complain about bad dates far more than men, not just because women are normally over-critical than they need to be, but because men are so clueless sometimes that they can’t recognize a bad date if it sucker punched them in the face.  And besides, men will tolerate much more punishment on a bad date, especially if the chick is hot or there’s potential to get laid.

So come on people; be a little more selective will ya?!?  Don’t just date for dating’s sake.  Up your standards a bit or accept less questionable dates and maybe your bad date horror stories will diminish.  Sure it won’t be as entertaining for me but if it helps you, what the hell.

Find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.comand make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex Page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com 

When the Ethical Collides with the Physical

One of the most common questions I get from readers who are frustrated with the whole dating scene is, “Other than bars or the internet, how the hell do you meet people these days?!?”  My answer?  Stop stressing about meeting someone and stop “looking”; you meet potential dates when you least expect it in the least likely places.

Don’t buy it?  Well check this out. A while back I went to the dentist for a cleaning, and as luck would have it, my hygienist was pretty smokin’.  We began flirting with each other right from Jump Street.  While she was grinding on my teeth, I was strategizing how to make the transition from patient to potential date.  After all, she did already have her hand in my mouth which is a form of foreplay isn’t it?

But because a good opportunity didn’t really present itself, I figured I’d worry about it later and just left.  But then I get a voice mail later in the day from the hygienist’s co-worker telling me that she was talking about me when I left, was wondering if I was single, and if I was interested to give her a call.  Pleasantly surprised because the hard work was done for me, I called back.

To make a long story short, the hygienist and I started dating, and one night we talked about how funny it was how we met, etc.  But after thinking about it some more, I realized she learned a lot about me from seeing my patient chart, which in the medical world, is pretty unethical, and in some cases when you release patient information to others, it’s illegal.  Now I didn’t have anything to hide in my chart, and its actually kinda flattering that she was interested enough about me to look, but what if I was some dude who WOULD get pissed off at someone checking out my chart to get a date?

So exactly where does your physical attraction to someone trump ethics?  Sure, anything worth having is worth a little risk, but it’s amazing that someone would be willing to risk her career because she’s interested in someone.  The hygienist has a really cool boss, so he would never care if he knew she did it, but not everyone is so lucky.  I personally know firemen and paramedics who have been disciplined and even fired for getting hot patients’ phone numbers from their ambulance reports and contacting them afterward.  I know cops who saw a hot chick on the road and ran their license plates to find out about them.  And don’t even get me started on lawyers who date their clients.  Kinda gives new meaning to being screwed by your lawyer, doesn’t it?

Certainly some people who do the chart-peeking thing because they don’t know it’s wrong, but the rest probably do it because they feel it’s worth the risk, especially if you feel chemistry or a connection with the person.  I’m not condoning it, of course; let your conscience be your guide.  But take a little risk and you might land yourself a hot hygienist too.  It gives a whole new meaning to “gettin’ a little oral” doesn’t it?

You can hear more on the whole ethical vs. physical debate on my “Fireman & the Shrink” podcast by clicking here.

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcast “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com. 

Being Single Doesn’t Mean You’re Flawed

Last week I was asked to guest speak about sex, dating, and relationships at a monthly event for Gals Guide.com at J-Bar.  To read more on it check out my Street Team blog. As fun as the event was I noticed a very interesting and puzzling thing as the night progressed and the drinks were a-flowin’.  Blagica and Sarah, the women running the event, both said the ladies had a great time and many made statements about how good looking I was, how nice I was, etc., followed up with statements wondering why the hell I was single.

Now I don’t bring this up to brag that women think I’m very attractive.  In fact to the contrary I think I have a face that would scare small children, but that’s beside the point.  The point I’m making is an argument that I’ve made before, and am always fascinated by:  that people assume if you’re “normal” in every other way but single there must be something wrong with you.  The women asking with surprise, “Why the hell is he single,” is proof to that.

They wouldn’t ask that question if they weren’t expecting an answer such as, “He has committment issues,” or “He just got out of a bad relationship,” or “He’s a player,” or “He’s gay” — all false, although one woman there did ask me if I was gay.

While there is no palpable reason why I’m single, the sad truth is that the general population believes that if you’re in your late twenties or early thirties and are still single there must be something wrong with you — that you’re flawed in some way.  They think you’re a player just out for sex, you can’t commit, or have some character flaw that prevents any member of the opposite sex from wanting anything to do with you.  Hogwash!

I’m not all that surprised really.  After all, women are very analytical.  They ask “why” to trivial things way more than they need to–sorta like toddlers do.  Women hear, “I’m single” and immediately think, “Hmm he might be suspect.”  Men hear, “I’m single” and immediately think, “Cool, I can have sex with her without a jealous boyfriend coming after me.”  Over thinking is OK in some situations, ladies, such as deciding if White Castle at 3 am is a good idea or not, but the “I’m single” situation isn’t one of them.  Sometimes it is what it is.

What ever happened to being selective before you jump into a relationship?  Or maybe you’re so busy that you can’t provide the time a good relationship requires.  Maybe you simply haven’t met the right girl.  George Clooney’s been single forever; you don’t hear anyone saying he’s broken do ya?  Yet another similarity between me and George.

So ladies, when a seemingly decent dude tells you he’s single don’t be so quick to be suspicious like you’re getting an awesome price on a car and asking, “Hmm what’s the catch?”  Sometimes there isn’t one.  How bout this:  if you’re curious why we’re single, just ask.  I know forthright communication between men and women is a radical idea, but it’s been known to happen. 

You can learn more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.comand make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com. 

Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You

As any relationship guru will tell you, the key to any successful relationship is communication.  Believe it or not, the same goes for casual sex and dating.  Certainly good communication seems pretty simple on the surface, but the fact of the matter is that about 80% of the world’s population is stupid.  Casual dating drama is usually caused by vital information not getting from Point A to Point B.

This is never more true than when guys can’t read between the lines with what the girl they’re dating is telling them — especially when being dumped.  Now of course all the blame doesn’t lie with the dense guy.  When a girl is giving a dude his walking papers she should just say it outright.  But not everyone is comfortable giving the truth, especially when it’s something as uncomfortable as saying, “Call me never.”  So what the girl usually does is give vague details about why she hasn’t called, like she’s been busy, hasn’t been feeling well, cat died, etc.  But what she’s really saying is, “don’t call me, I’ll call you.”

For whatever reason though some men don’t get it.  Maybe they have a crappy ability of reading vibes, or they’re in denial that their girl is moving on to greener pastures.  Either way, the end result is the poor sap doing the endless texts and unreturned calls, which transforms him from the guy she used to dig to the desperate chump who can’t take a hint.

So guys, in the interests of saving some face and a little bit of frustration, use your instincts to tell yourself that when something doesn’t seem quite right with your girl — it probably isn’t.  Realize that when she’s giving you every excuse in the book not to see or talk to you or text it might as well be her saying, “Don’t call me I’ll call you.”  And follow those unspoken words as gospel.  If she does call you then things are just fine.  If she doesn’t then you were right.  Where I come from that’s called win-win.  

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcast “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com. 

Wanna Be a Serial Dater? It’ll Cost You

Not long ago a date sarcastically asked me if it was expensive being a “serial dater.”  The answer was simple:  “Hell yes!”

Good dates require legal tender, and last time I checked all those crab cakes and bottles of wine don’t pay for themselves.  But I’m not complaining.  Far from it.  After all, if you want to date regularly, and be successful at it it’s the cost of doing business.

 

One particular reason why being a regular dater is so expensive is because I usually do the paying.  And I’m not complaining about that either.  Not only am I happy to do it but in many ways it’s required.

 

As much as women deny it, most believe that a guy who doesn’t pay, or at least make a legitimate effort to offer to pay, is cheap.  In asking several girls, they said cheap men are the ultimate turn-off. 

 

I can’t really blame them.  I can’t stand cheap people either.  But for all you cheap dudes out there I’ll offer this advice:  if you want to be successful with the gals you can’t be cheap.  If a girl pulls money out of her purse creating the façade that she’s going to pay her share, you better not take it.  She’ll be turned off.  What’s worse, if you actually ask her for her half of the check you might as well throw your condoms away; you won’t be needing them anytime soon.

Now I’m not implying that women are money-grubbers and that it’s an unspoken ultimatum that if you don’t pay, you don’t play.  It’s not about the money.  It’s about what being cheap says about you.

One girl I polled said that if a guy is cheap, it says that he’s self-absorbed and selfish. And he’s probably that way in bed, too.  She thinks that they’re the type of men who in marriage says, “What’s mine is mine”.  The translation:  “No sex for you, Cheapo”.  Women are very analytical.  They find meaning in everything.

 

Some women out there insist on paying their own way because, they say, they don’t want the guy to think he’ll get sex just because he paid for dinner.  How silly is that?  In this day and age, do guys really expect that?  Call me crazy, girls, but if you think that’s a possibility then why are you going out with someone like that in the first place?

 

It might be old fashioned to say the guy should do the paying, but that’s the way it is.  It’s the politics of dating.  That same girl told me she never expects a guy to pay, yet is still turned off when he lets her pay.  Confused?  Yeah me too, but it wouldn’t be the first time women were accused of being confusing. 

 

So tell her to put her money away.  Insist on it.  Only the cheapies do the contrary.  Try not to complain about the cost of the lobster bisque she ordered when you get the check.  It won’t go over so well, and it definitely will do nothing for your love life.  Look at it as an investment – and you don’t need Charles Schwab to tell you that good investments may cost a little money now, but they’ll pay big dividends later. 

 

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com. 

 

 

 

 

For Us “Almost Lovers” It’s Lose-Lose

So the other day I’m doing the morning crossword puzzle and I had VH1 on in the background, which was playing a video from a new band called A Fine Frenzy.  I couldn’t help but notice the lyrics to the song playing in the background.  And then it hit me:  she was singing about me!

 

For clarification, regardless how big my ego seems at times, this wasn’t a case of narcissism gone amuck.  The fairly hot redhead in the band wasn’t singing about ME per say, but about guys like me – or should I say guys women THINK are like me.  It’s a sad state of affairs.

 

The name of the song is “Almost Lover” and if you read the lyrics you’ll notice it’s about a girl who gets heartbroken by a guy.  I know — another one of those, right?  Well the difference with this one is she’s heartbroken not because of something the dude did, but because of her foolish assumptions.  You see, she thought the relationship was more serious than it was because of the great way he treated her, even though in his eyes it was just a casual thing – hence him being dubbed an “almost lover.”  And here, as they say, lies the rub.

 

If I had a dime for every time this happened to me I’d be able to call Bill Gates a broke chump.  For “almost lovers” like myself it’s lose-lose.  You see, I make a point to treat every girl I date special regardless of the status of the relationship.  If it’s a serious thing or just casual, I don’t discriminate; they all get the same quality treatment.  Nice right?  Wrong.  Like the redheaded hottie in A Fine Frenzy, women often misinterpret the special treatment as a sign of me wanting things to be way more serious than it is.

 

The big stink of it all is if the relationship is casual I make it known right away in the beginning.  So when it all goes south later on and I wonder where the hell the drama came from, I remind her that I was very clear from Jump Street that it was just a casual thing.  They usually respond with, “I know you did, but I figured you changed your mind based on your actions.”  That’s the Catch-22.  If I treat them bad from the beginning then I’m a big jerk, but if I treat them great and they misinterpret it as me wanting to take the relationship up a notch only to find out later that I don’t then I’m still the big jerk.  It’s like a Greek tragedy.

 

So that’s what gives birth to us “almost lovers.”  We’re guys who treat women special as if we’re in serious relationship with them, but really aren’t.  More importantly, we don’t pretend to be.  We’re open and upfront about things being just casual.  It’s an error on her part, not ours. 

 

I suppose the only two solutions to this “almost lover” debacle is either One, treat women a lot worse so they don’t think you have stronger feelings for her, or Two, ladies make sure you don’t read into his actions.  If the great way he treats you conflicts with his announcement of relationship casualness it doesn’t necessarily mean he had a change of heart.  Just ask him.  Assume nothing.  For the sanity of everyone involved, and the reduction of my hate mail, I suggest option number Two.

 

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff on NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com. 

Ladies: Invites Aren’t Always Booty Calls

As so many of us single people do after a night of drinking and feeling pretty randy, I decided to send a witty text to a girl I was dating telling her she should really drop by to see me.  After the brief cyberspace pause my phone began to vibrate as if it was saying, “Get ready, stud, you’re about to have a visitor.”  But the brakes came to a screeching halt when I read the words on the screen that said, “Sorry hunny, I’m not a booty call.”

 

Ouch.

 

I stared at the thing for a moment waiting for the second message to come through saying, “Just kidding.  I’ll be right there.”  But the message never came.  It was real.

 

The reason I was so floored was because I didn’t consider her a booty call at all. Would sex have happened if she came over? Probably. But it wasn’t the sole reason for the invite. I legitimately liked spending time with her.

 

When I spoke to her the next day, I asked why she thought the invite was a booty call, and she said it was because of the time of night. Excuse me? It’s silly to think that when the clock strikes a certain hour honest invites turn into shady booty calls.  If that were the case then guys all over the world would be doing mad calling and texting at 1:59 am to beat the 2 am booty call deadline.

 

No my friends, what makes an invite a booty call isn’t logistical things such as the time of night or your alcohol content.  It’s deeper than that.  It’s how you view the girl.  It’s based solely on whether you consider her just a booty call, or someone you really like spending time with. Think about it: if a guy is in a serious relationship with a girl he’s been with for 2 years and he texts her at 2 am to come over, she’s not a booty call.  Why? Because he doesn’t see her that way. It’s his girlfriend, someone he wants to spend time with regardless of the hour. But the dude that sends the same text at the same time to a girl he only sees on weekends in the wee hours of the morning is a booty call – he knows it and she knows it — and she’s fine with it.

 

Think of it this way:  a booty call is a noun AND a verb.  The verb booty call is something you do, but the noun booty call is what you are.  If you consider your partner as the noun then you see her as just another booty call.  But if you do the verb version with your partner you don’t think of her as just another booty call.  She’s a tier above – like the dude that booty-called his own girlfriend. 

 

So ladies before you’re quick to chastise a guy for booty calling you, first ask yourself if you’re the noun or the verb.  If you’re the noun, and you don’t want to be, you have reason to be offended.  But if you’re the verb, it’s not a bad thing.  Don’t overanalyze.  Just go over there and verb his brains out.

 

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com