Remember the good old days when the word “neighbor” had a very Norman Rockwell-esque feel to it? You could borrow a cup of sugar from your neighbor. They’d bring you a fresh baked pie to welcome you to the neighborhood when you moved in. You could throw a wave to the guy next door mowing his lawn and give him a great big, “Hiya, neighbor!”
Today many of our neighbors are strangers put on this earth to annoy us. They park in our spots. They dump our laundry on the floor when they want the dryer. They play “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White Tees on repeat at full blast for hours on end. Basically torture.
Worst of all, they’re always all up in our business—and when you have an active casual sex life like me, it’s not a good thing. Nosey neighbors can make life pretty uncomfortable not just for you, but for your sex-guest as well. And you don’t have to have a flashing neon sign above your front door that says, “Casa De Promiscuous” for the neighbors to take interest in your sex life either. Sometimes they do it all on their own. It takes the term “neighborhood watch” to a whole new level.
We try to hide our sexual romps from the neighbors because we don’t want them passing judgment on us. Just because we have multiple sex partners doesn’t mean we want our neighbors to know it. Some of you dudes out there might think it’s cool to have the neighbors saying, “Man, he’s got a different girl there every night!” thinking it gives you some kind of studly street cred. Women, on the other hand, probably don’t want or need that kind of attention for fear of being unfairly labeled as a tramp. Next thing you know at the association meetings you’re referred to as, “the slut down the hall.” As appealing as that description might be to me, it probably won’t do much for your self esteem.
But unless your pad has a hidden Bat Cave-like entrance they’re bound to see different faces come and go. They’ll figure out that either you’re running a crack house or you have an active sex life. Now that only becomes an issue for you; your date generally isn’t aware or affected by the neighbor issue—unless, of course, your neighbors take it up a notch by engaging your guest. Once as a booty call was approaching my door my drunk next-door neighbor yelled out to her, “So what number are you?” Guess who didn’t get any sex that night?
What’s worse, not only can the neighbors see your date coming and going, but they might actually see the dirty deed itself. Of course having sex on the hood of your car in driveway is just asking for trouble but maybe it’s simply an innocent slip like forgetting to close the blinds. Believe me when I say that there’s nothing more horrifying for your date than looking out the window and seeing your backyard neighbor looking through their window right back at you doing the standing congress position in front of the window (look it up).
You also should be concerned about not only what the neighbors see, but what they hear. I’ve been with some “screamers” who were so loud during sex that they’d give an opera tenor a run for their money. That’s a problem when you live in a condo or apartment with walls as thick as a Post-It note. There’s a group of teenage boys who are always in their driveway playing basketball next door. One time they obviously heard the sexscapades going on in my living room because they all started laughing and moaning like my date did as she left my place and walked to her car. Needless to say she never came back.
Sometimes we bring the neighbor issues on ourselves—like when we have sex with one. It’s a disaster just waiting to happen. I once had sex with a neighbor and after the relationship went bad every time I saw her she’d grill me about who the car in my driveway the night before belonged to. It got to the point where I had to peek through the blinds every time I took out the garbage to see if the coast was clear like I was in the witness protection program. That’s no way to live.
So even though we can do simple things to ward off nosey neighbors like making sure the blinds are closed, we can’t eliminate it all. I suppose it’s the price we pay to live the single casual sex lifestyle. It comes with the territory. The key is making it comfortable for your guests. Limit their exposure to the drunk neighbor or the mocking teens next door. Keep scaring them away and trust me, there’ll be no more sex for the neighbors to talk about.
Better yet, deflect the awkwardness back on them. If you notice a neighbor judgmentally staring at you as your date walks in your house just flash them a big smile, wave, and yell, “That’s right! And what are YOU doing tonight?!?”
You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff on NBC5’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex. You can email Jon at email@example.com.