Rage Against the Valentine’s Day Machine

Ah, Valentine’s Day:  a day devoted to celebrating the love and adoration we hold for our significant other.  A day where romance fills the air and warms the soul.  A day where even the hardest of hearts can believe that true love is indeed possible.

 

What a load of crap!

 

Just typing the above paragraph made me want to projectile vomit.  To me Valentine’s Day is one of the worst days there is, falling somewhere between Income Tax Day and the day I got a colonoscopy.  For years I’ve tolerated Valentine’s Day malarkey like the nauseating Jared Diamond commercials or seeing some chump pay big bucks to get “Bob Loves Michelle” on the scoreboard at the United Center.  As if watching the Bulls and Blackhawks isn’t painful enough.

 

I refuse to take it anymore!

 

Now ladies, if you print this out, show it to your man, and ask him if he agrees with me. He’ll probably say, “No way, baby, he’s a crazy man,” but trust me when I say that he secretly dreads the rapid approach of the hell that is Feb. 14th.  Why you ask?  Well for one, it’s the whole gift-giving thing.  It has nothing to do with the cost either; it’s the significance.  They know this year’s gift has got to be better than last year’s, because in a woman’s over-analytical mind, a down-graded gift from last year means your feelings for her have downgraded too.  If you show up with a plastic vase full of the finest flowers Walgreen’s has to offer you probably shouldn’t plan on having sex anytime in the near future.

 

Audio Podcast: The Fireman and the Shrink Discuss Valentine’s Day

http://www.nbc5.com/download/2008/0213/15295310.mp3

 

Not only does the poor dude have to worry about his own gift, he has to worry about the gifts his girlfriend’s friends got from their men.  Women are insanely competitive with each other.  She’d love for nothing more than to know that she got the best VD gift than the other women in her circle of friends.  If you come home with a bouquet of heart-shaped foil balloons as a gift for your girl and her best friend got a trip to Cabo, you’re gonna have major issues, pal.

 

Ladies, why would you even want a gift anyway?  The sincerity of it is watered down.  He didn’t buy it as a symbol of his affection for you.  It was out of obligation so he doesn’t get in hot water with you.  Pretty romantic, huh?

 

So to avoid becoming a victim of the Valentine’s Day massacre, I celebrate my own created holiday — Anti-V.D. Day.  How?  By doing the exact opposite of what all those lovey-dovey fools do on VD.  Never take a girl out on a date on VD because she might get the wrong idea and think, “Wow he asked me out on Valentine’s Day; he must really like me!”  I remember a few years ago I made the mistake of asking a girl I was casually dating to dinner on VD.  She got all weird on me afterward because she thought my asking her out on VD was my way of saying that I wanted to dial the relationship up a notch.  Needless to say that didn’t go over very well.  I shoulda waited til the 15th.

 

The best way to rebel against the Valentine’s Day establishment and celebrate Anti-VD Day is instead of having a VD night filled with romance, cuddling, and an 8:30 screening of “27 Dresses,” have hot uncommitted sex with a casual partner who hates the idea of Valentine’s Day as much as you do. Trust me, they’re out there.  Since lust is the opposite of love it fits into the program nicely.

 

So the lesson here is to see Valentine’s Day for the sham that it is.  Ladies, don’t get so hung up on things like overanalyzing his gift or wondering if he’ll choose this day to say I love you for the first time.  Don’t take it so seriously.  After all, Valentine’s Day was never intended to be the sappy cheese-fest it is today.  In ancient Rome, on February 14th the men would run through the streets whipping women with bloody strips of sacrificed goats in some freaky mating ritual.  Maybe if we brought back customs like that Valentine’s Day wouldn’t be so popular.  We can only hope, can’t we?

 

Want to hear more of Jon’s views on Valentine’s Day?  Listen to the Valentine’s Day edition of his podcast “The Fireman and the Shrink,” and check out all the other great content on NBC5’s Better Sex website at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com and find out more about him at www.jonibrahim.com.

    

Advertisements

7 Responses to Rage Against the Valentine’s Day Machine

  1. Tina Rago says:

    Dear Jon,

    My heart goes out to you. Perhaps your mild case of commitment-phobia has prompted your mother to send a card every February 14th that reads, “Even though you’re single, I still love you” which may explain your hatred for the holiday? Or possibly, one magical V-Day in your past, you were mailed a beautiful white envelope with a lovely set of divorce papers?…

    Either way, I agree that “true love” should be shown every day and not just on forced & awkward Hallmark holidays. For example, getting up early each morning to make your significant other coffee or letting their head lay on your shoulder, despite it going numb. That is true love. But in the grander scheme of the February phenomenon, we should really promote Valentine’s Day because it is a global campaign to stop domestic violence & child abuse.

    Think outside of that little heart-shaped box and give someone a hug. Maybe even mean it? *wink*

  2. I definitely feel you. Personally, I believe that Halmark, independent florists, chocolateers, and stuffed animal manufacturers made up Valentine’s Day in order to push us into meaningless consumer driven lives… Okay. So, maybe I really don’t believe that, but ya gotta admit, it’s a good theory.

  3. Jon Ibrahim says:

    Tina,

    I love the stereotypes that when a guy doesn’t like the soppy, mush-filled hell that is Valentines day it automatically means he has some deep-seated phobias or issues that date back to his childhood. Maybe I just don’t like it. Me not liking the color blue doesn’t mean I had a horrifying blue experience when I was a kid. And Valentines Day is a global campaign to stop domestic violence & child abuse?? I think someone forgot to tell that to Hallmark and Jared Jewelers. 🙂

    And thanks for the reponse!!

  4. Jon Ibrahim says:

    Chastity,

    Haha well its nice to see theres a woman out there who actually agrees with me about Valentines day, even if it is just in theory. But even so, you’ve earned a spot on my “Chicks I Dig” list :). Thanks for the reponse!

  5. Shamontiel says:

    All right, I guess I’m a different type of woman because a guy made me a papier mache rose years ago, and I STILL have it to this day. I’ve had three ex-boyfriends who glared at it and plucked the leaves off when I wasn’t looking. Sometimes it’s the little things that count. I personally like handmade gifts or something from the heart better than something that’ll break a man’s wallet. I don’t see anything wrong with affection on Valentine’s Day, however, I do know women who compete for who got the best prize. However, on Valentine’s Day, I send all of my close family and friends cards and they send them to me as well. I love my mother, my father, my brother, my best friends, and so forth. $1.99 for a card is not going to break the bank.

  6. Shamontiel says:

    Just a thought: The guy who made the papier mache rose for me was thanked in my second novel, Round Trip. Now how many women do you know who will thank a guy for something so small (and cheap) unless they truly appreciate it? If a woman is more concerned with price than she is thought, she probably doesn’t like you much anyway. Note: The guy with the rose is JUST a friend, however, I do love the reaction to guys I really do like when they find out that the papier mache rose isn’t some random gift I got from my nephews. It tickles the hell out of me. Their reactions are almost like I have some guys’ name tattoed under my navel.

  7. Jon says:

    Shamontiel,

    Well yeah sometimes it’s the little things that we remember the most. Like once a girl I dated told me she adored me. Although the relationship went nowhere, and although I’ve forgotten so many girls Ive dated, I’ll always remember her because that was such a nice thing to say…adored is a very strategic word and holds a lot of meaning.

    And theres nothing wrong with affection–it should be every day of the year, not stuffed down your throat on the cheese-fest that is Valentines Day.

    Thanks for the comment!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: