Some lessons in life you always remember–like never drink beer and wine in the same night, never fall asleep with gum in your mouth, and most importantly, never ask a woman when her due date is unless you’re certain she’s actually pregnant. Trust me you only make that mistake once.
Despite my occasional wayward ways I’d say Mama Ibrahim taught me pretty well. Her biggest lesson was a simple one: always do the right thing. Even today as a firefighter I’m expected to always do exactly that.
The problem is that doing the right thing isn’t always easy. There’s always temptation tugging at that thin line between “should I” and “I shouldn’t.” Never has that been truer than with sex.
Here’s a scenario I’m sure most dudes can relate to: a few weeks ago a buddy and I were out at Red No. 5 and we met a couple girls from out of town. Several bars, shots, and sexual innuendos later the end of the night approached and it was time to seal the deal. Problem was the girl I was mackin’ with was obviously wasted. Outside her hotel she either began speaking to me in Portuguese or her speech was just slurred and she was asking me upstairs to her room. I’m pretty sure it was the latter.
Here’s where that whole “doing the right thing” dilemma comes in: should you or shouldn’t you have sex with a drunk girl?
Of course that tiny horny devil on our shoulders say, “Hell yes you do!” But his nemesis, the tiny angel on the opposite shoulder chimes in with, “Come on; you know better than that, little mister!” Worlds collide.
Of course the most obvious issue is the moral dilemma. You know—that whole thing about how a guy should never take advantage of girls when they’re drunk–and generally I agree with that. But is it really taking advantage? What if I was really drunk too? Couldn’t the same argument be said that her having sex with me meant she was taking advantage of me in a drunken state too? So if both of us are equally tanked no one is really taking advantage of either. Anything to the contrary is a double standard.
And besides, based on the vibes and sexual chemistry that was brewin’ I was pretty sure we were going to hook-up even before she was wasted. So should all that go out the window just because she got sloshed?
Since morality isn’t really my strong suit I looked at the problem logistically. Sure drunken sex can be fun because people tend to come out of their shells and get a little freakier, but some pretty horrifying things can happen too. Like one time a girl was so hammered that she passed out on me while we were going at it. Let me tell ya, nothing obliterates your ego like hearing your partner snore while you’re going down on her. And yes, I’ve even had a super-drunk girl throw up in my bed.
And then there’s the morning. Not only do you feel like someone stuffed a wad of dryer lint in your mouth from the hangover, but you may also have to face the possibility that she feels regret or embarrassment from her behavior. I don’t really dig the idea of being the source of someone else’s shame. I do just fine on my own.
And besides, what kind of accomplishment is scoring with a drunk girl anyway? Part of the excitement of having sex with someone new is knowing you made it happen, but with a drunk girl it doesn’t take much effort. It’s like a huge rainbow trout jumping into your fishing boat. Sure you can hang it over your fireplace like you caught it, but the thrill just isn’t the same.
Drunk girls kinda make me sick anyway. They’re such a turnoff. You know the ones I’m talking about—the drunken Lincoln Park Trixies with the slurred speech and loud squeaky voices—the ones who spill their drinks as they thrust their glasses in the air to cheer whenever the DJ plays “Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC—the ones who, in a drunken state, make out with other girls just to shock the guys—the ones who are overly hugging you one minute and crying for no apparent reason the next. Can drunk guys be obnoxious too? Absolutely. But hey, my blog, my rules.
So although doing the right thing can be hard, I think it’s a no-brainer in the case of whether or not to have sex with drunk girls. Feeling a little loose or buzzed is one thing, but when her blood/alcohol content reaches Tara Reid-like levels it isn’t worth the slew of issues that go with it. You don’t need sex that bad.
I’ll drink to that.
Find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other great sex stuff on NBC5’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex. You can email Jon at firstname.lastname@example.org.