So here’s the scenario: you’re at your place with that hot chick you met a couple weekends ago. After several phone calls, countless flirty texts, three dates, two bottles of pinot, and exactly 98 accumulated minutes of making out later you’re finally going at it on your couch like a couple of naked animals. The chemistry was awesome, the sex was incredible, and now you’re both in a sweaty tangled heap on the floor. As the adrenaline dips below pre-sex levels you stare at the ceiling and the wheels in your head start a-turnin’. You wonder how long you have to lay here like this before it’s safe to go. Ten minutes? An hour? All night?!? Good God! An awkward silence falls upon you two like a wet blanket.
I know it sounds harsh ladies, that after such an intimate moment we’re thinking about our exit strategy, but we can’t help it. We can’t control what our brains make us think. If we could, I’m certain NASCAR would never have been invented.
And just because we’re thinking of how to end the night amicably doesn’t mean we don’t want to be with you. We do — just not all night. At least not the first time we have sex with you. Sleepovers are a whole other level that first-time sex doesn’t qualify for.
So why the hell is it so damn uncomfortable when it comes time to hit the pavement after sex? Well for one, we’re worried about what she might think of us. Remember, this is the first time she had sex with you. She has no clue if you’re a hit-it-and-get-it kinda guy or not. Even if you aren’t, and you totally plan on seeing her again, failure to use tact will make you look like “that guy.” You can’t just roll over, give her a pat on the back and say, “Well, it was fun. See ya.” Big no-no.
So what’s a guy to do? Well some dudes think they’re coy and pull the old, “Well I gotta work early in the morning so…” And who among us hasn’t done the classic routine of several fake yawns in a row to give her the illusion that you’re tired and it’s time to call it a night? But women are smart. They see through the smoke and mirrors.
Sure it all seems very awkward, but it’s nothing compared to the awkwardness of lying petrified in bed with all kinds of crazy thoughts and worries resulting from sleeping in the same bed with someone you don’t know really well. I know, I know — you’re thinking, “Well why did you have sex with her if you thought not knowing her well is an issue?” Well sex is a totally different thing. It’s easy. Most men and women are pretty comfortable with revealing their sexual self to others, even if they don’t know them all that well. But actually pulling an over-nighter reveals personal stuff about ourselves we only let a select few see. Do you really want to expose this new girl to your buzz saw-like snoring? Do you really want her to see what you look like in the morning? Worst yet, do you want to see what SHE looks like? And don’t even get me started on the morning breath. Hot or not trust me when I say her breath smells like ass just as much as an ugly girl’s. These are things that should remain in the closet until you know each other a little better. Baby steps, my friends, baby steps.
And this whole debacle doesn’t only happen when she’s at your place; it’s just as hellish when you’re at hers. In fact, the anxiety is even worse. You start wondering when it’s okay to leave without her getting offended, but at the same time you don’t want to wear out your welcome if she was expecting you to beat it long time ago. Where I come from that’s called lose-lose.
Don’t worry, ladies, I’m perfectly aware that most women don’t want to spend the night after first-time sex either. I know there are times when you’ve laid in the arms of a dude after having sex thinking, “When the hell is this jackass is gonna leave.” Now you know how we feel.
In the end, I don’t think there really is any way you can make your exit without feeling like you’re either leaving too fast — like a criminal fleeing the scene — or that you’re staying too long, like a cold sore that won’t go away. It comes with the territory when you make the decision to have sex early in a relationship. You just have to deal with it. The key is, however you make your exit, do it respectfully. Don’t make your partner feel like they were just used. Say something simple like, “Man I totally could lay here all night with you but unfortunately I need to go.” However you choose do to it, don’t just jump up and throw your clothes on like firemen do when we’re awakened at 3 a.m. for a fire. Use a little tact and save that awkwardness for the first time she spends the night. Believe me, you’ll need it.
You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman and the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff on NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex. You can email Jon at Sex911@nbc5.com.