Leaving After Sex Requires A Good Exit Strategy

March 24, 2008

So here’s the scenario:  you’re at your place with that hot chick you met a couple weekends ago.  After several phone calls, countless flirty texts, three dates, two bottles of pinot, and exactly 98 accumulated minutes of making out later you’re finally going at it on your couch like a couple of naked animals.  The chemistry was awesome, the sex was incredible, and now you’re both in a sweaty tangled heap on the floor.  As the adrenaline dips below pre-sex levels you stare at the ceiling and the wheels in your head start a-turnin’.  You wonder how long you have to lay here like this before it’s safe to go.  Ten minutes?  An hour?  All night?!?  Good God!  An awkward silence falls upon you two like a wet blanket.

Now what?

I know it sounds harsh ladies, that after such an intimate moment we’re thinking about our exit strategy, but we can’t help it.  We can’t control what our brains make us think.  If we could, I’m certain NASCAR would never have been invented.

And just because we’re thinking of how to end the night amicably doesn’t mean we don’t want to be with you.  We do — just not all night.  At least not the first time we have sex with you.  Sleepovers are a whole other level that first-time sex doesn’t qualify for.

So why the hell is it so damn uncomfortable when it comes time to hit the pavement after sex?  Well for one, we’re worried about what she might think of us.  Remember, this is the first time she had sex with you.  She has no clue if you’re a hit-it-and-get-it kinda guy or not.  Even if you aren’t, and you totally plan on seeing her again, failure to use tact will make you look like “that guy.”  You can’t just roll over, give her a pat on the back and say, “Well, it was fun.  See ya.”  Big no-no.

So what’s a guy to do?  Well some dudes think they’re coy and pull the old, “Well I gotta work early in the morning so…”  And who among us hasn’t done the classic routine of several fake yawns in a row to give her the illusion that you’re tired and it’s time to call it a night?  But women are smart. They see through the smoke and mirrors.

Sure it all seems very awkward, but it’s nothing compared to the awkwardness of lying petrified in bed with all kinds of crazy thoughts and worries resulting from sleeping in the same bed with someone you don’t know really well.  I know, I know — you’re thinking, “Well why did you have sex with her if you thought not knowing her well is an issue?”  Well sex is a totally different thing.  It’s easy.  Most men and women are pretty comfortable with revealing their sexual self to others, even if they don’t know them all that well.  But actually pulling an over-nighter reveals personal stuff about ourselves we only let a select few see.  Do you really want to expose this new girl to your buzz saw-like snoring?  Do you really want her to see what you look like in the morning?  Worst yet, do you want to see what SHE looks like?  And don’t even get me started on the morning breath.  Hot or not trust me when I say her breath smells like ass just as much as an ugly girl’s.  These are things that should remain in the closet until you know each other a little better.  Baby steps, my friends, baby steps.

And this whole debacle doesn’t only happen when she’s at your place; it’s just as hellish when you’re at hers.  In fact, the anxiety is even worse.  You start wondering when it’s okay to leave without her getting offended, but at the same time you don’t want to wear out your welcome if she was expecting you to beat it long time ago.  Where I come from that’s called lose-lose.

Don’t worry, ladies, I’m perfectly aware that most women don’t want to spend the night after first-time sex either.  I know there are times when you’ve laid in the arms of a dude after having sex thinking, “When the hell is this jackass is gonna leave.”  Now you know how we feel.

In the end, I don’t think there really is any way you can make your exit without feeling like you’re either leaving too fast — like a criminal fleeing the scene — or that you’re staying too long, like a cold sore that won’t go away.  It comes with the territory when you make the decision to have sex early in a relationship.  You just have to deal with it. The key is, however you make your exit, do it respectfully.  Don’t make your partner feel like they were just used.  Say something simple like, “Man I totally could lay here all night with you but unfortunately I need to go.”  However you choose do to it, don’t just jump up and throw your clothes on like firemen do when we’re awakened at 3 a.m. for a fire.  Use a little tact and save that awkwardness for the first time she spends the night.  Believe me, you’ll need it.

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman and the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff on NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at Sex911@nbc5.com.    

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The Dish on Why Some Guys Pay to Play

March 17, 2008

Not sure if you’ve heard or not, but recently exited New York governor Eliot Spitzer AKA “Customer No. 9” was recently busted in a sex scandal for patronizing a prostitute.  Of course you’ve heard!  It’s only been on every freakin’ TV, radio, and internet news source since it went down.  And why?  Because we Americans have a fascination with something the Germans call “schadenfreude” which means “to take pleasure in other people’s misfortunes.”  We love seeing celebrities and politicians’ lives in shambles.  We need it like crack.

Trust me, I’m as sick of writing about it as much as I am hearing about it, but I have to chime in on this one to come to ‘ol Spitz’s defense from all the so-called moral conservatives and psychoanalysts who love making appearances on news shows to explain why Spitzer did what he did.  They talk about how a man as driven and powerful as Spitzer, who made his mark as a ruthless crime fighter, had no choice but to become the very thing he condemns and that deep down in his psyche he wanted to get caught.

What a load of crap.

This may come as a shock but not everything men do has a psychiatric explanation leading back to some Freudian hypothesis about how mommy and daddy didn’t give him enough hugs as a child.  Sometimes men just do stupid things when it comes to sex.  Ladies, you have no idea what a horny man is capable of.  The prospect of hot nasty sex can reduce a pretty intelligent dude into a lobotomized babbling idiot.  Some will drive an hour at 3 am in below-zero weather if a booty call asks him to.  Others will have sex in their fire truck even though they know it can get them fired (hey, I didn’t say me!)  And yes, some will even cheat on their wives and risk their job as governor of one of the most powerful states in the country.  Sometimes the little head does all the thinking for the big head.  There’s no explaining it.

Now the generalization is that men hire prostitutes because they’re desperate and can’t get sex any other way—and I’m sure that’s true in a lot of cases.  But I think the bigger picture is that some guys pay for sex simply because they’re willing to pay for quality.  After all, I could go to Denny’s and get a steak, but I’d much rather go to Morton’s and pay a little extra for it.  It’s the same with those high-priced escorts.  Maybe Spitzer’s wife sucks in bed.  Maybe she, like many married women, stopped giving him oral sex years ago.  Maybe “Kristin” was willing to do things to him that we common folk only get to read about in “Penthouse Letters.”  If you’re wealthy like Spitzer $4,300 isn’t a lot to pay for a little freaky-deeky.

Ain’t buying it?  Well chew on this:  sure Spitzer is a bald nerdy-lookin’ dude, but he held a very high position of power, and power is a big turn-on to a lot of women.  I fathom to guess Spitz could have gotten laid pretty easily if he wanted to.  But instead of settling for your standard run-of-the-mill New York trim he opted for the high-priced bad girl.  Why?  Quality, my friends, quality.

And speaking of his wife, how do we really know she wasn’t aware of Spitz’s little hooker hobby all along?  I know it sounds absurd at first, but remember there was talk that Spitzer could one day become President of the United States.  If you had a good shot at becoming first lady wouldn’t you stick around and look the other way?

Maybe some men pay for sex simply because it’s not that big a deal.  Prostitution is legal in many countries, but Americans are so uptight about sex that we can’t grasp that concept.  We think it’s dirty, demoralizing, and destined to destroy society—except, of course, when Julia Roberts plays one in a chick flick like “Pretty Woman.”  Then we call it the feel good movie of the year.  Go figure.

Even with it being illegal in this country getting busted patronizing a prostitute is only a misdemeanor.  And it’s not like “Kristin” was sold into prostitution as a young child or was given a nightly beat-down by a mink coat-wearing pimp.  She made over $80,000 from Spitzer over a few years.  She was doing pretty well for herself.  Sure sounds like a victimless crime to me.

So while I can understand why Spitzer and other men pay for sex, I don’t agree with what he did.  Of course cheating is wrong, but we don’t know the whole scoop on their marriage either.  And of course with having three young daughters at home he should have used a little better judgment.  But hey, at least he got busted with a somewhat hot chick and not another dude in an airport bathroom, or worse yet, a very unhot chunky White House intern.  Who would do something as stupid as that?

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & The Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff on NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at Sex911@nbc5.com  

       


Sex: Sometimes Less Is More

March 9, 2008

Sex is quite a phenomenon; it drives much of our society.  Movies, TV, music, and even video games are loaded with sex.  Most advertising, in one way or another, revolves around sex, even if it’s as subtle as using a sexy female spokesperson to sell some ugly Lincoln-Mercury in a commercial.  Why? Because sex sells.  And why shouldn’t it?  As far as I know sex is still a pretty popular thing.  It’s the one thing that we humans, no matter where we’re from, have in common.  We’re curious about it.  We love seeing it, hearing it, and learning about it.  It helps us grow sexually.  The majority of us love sex.  Even the ones that don’t like it all that much still have it once in a blue moon.  You married people know what I’m talking about.

 

The interesting thing is that although sex is such a public thing in society, most of us try to keep our sex lives as private as possible.  I mean, of course we talk to our friends about certain aspects of our sex lives, but we don’t go overboard, like playing recorded audio or showing video evidence. Some things are sacred.

 

In fact many people are so secretive about their sex lives to the point where they almost act as if they don’t do it all.  Who are they kidding!  Everyone we know has sex. Even some of your wrinkly ol’ grandparents.  Sorry if that just made you dry-heave but it’s true!  And it brings me to my point:  as great of a thing as sex is, sometimes there’re things about it you just don’t wanna know.

You have no idea how tough of a statement that is for me to say because hey, I’ll admit it — I love sex.  I’m fascinated by it, and when it comes to the interesting and, at times, hilarious ways men and women interact with each other when it comes to sex and dating, I want to know everything there is to know about it.  But sadly there’s an opposite side to everything. For all the cool things I’ve learned about sex, there’s been just as many freaky things that I wish an amnesia-induced head injury could make me forget.    

Think about it, guys. Do you really want to learn that your drinking buddy has a strap-on hidden in his sock drawer?  And ladies, do you really want to know that your best friend has a daddy fetish?  And I think I can speak for the majority of society when I say that those of us who’ve seen “Two Girls One Cup” wish we could erase it from our memory banks.  I still have post-traumatic stress from that one.

And who among us hasn’t experienced the terror of walking in on, or worse yet, being walked in on having sex?  Believe me, it’s not like on the Spice Channel where a hot coed orgy breaks out.  It’s always awkward.  Sometimes it’s worth laughing about, but often it’s something you wish never happened.  Imagine the horror of walking in on your parents going at it.  We go through our whole lives avoiding the thought that our parents have sex.  Believing I was delivered by the stork was perfectly fine with me.  Stumbling upon mom and dad locked in the crab position is something I would prefer going to the grave without experiencing.

As hard we may try to avoid it, sometimes we’re thrust into the sex lives of others whether we like it or not.  I once fought a fire at the house of a secretary who works for the town I worked for.  As we were fighting the fire in her bedroom, dildos began raining from the closet shelves like a waterfall.  She had more sex toys in there than a Cicero adult bookstore, including ball gags and a blow-up doll (which the fire deflated).  If you think I’m uncomfortable imagining this well over-the-hill woman in latex and holding an industrial-sized bottle of Astroglide, imagine how she feels whenever she sees us firemen.

Although I’m pretty open about talking about my sex life, even I don’t want some aspects of it known.  To this day I still drive two towns over to buy condoms because all the stores near my house have them locked up. Call me picky, but I don’t wanna have to ask an employee, “Can you unlock the condoms cabinet?” — especially since it’s always a little elderly woman who holds the only key to the thing.  She always gives me a look as if to say, “You should be ashamed of yourself, sonny.”  Whether I’m imaging it or not I still don’t want her knowing that much about my sex life and what I plan on doing with the economy 30-pack of lubricated Trojans.

So knowing a lot about sex is a good thing. It shows you have an open mind.  But there’s a quota on that.  Know where to draw the line.  Knowing even a tiny smidgen of someone else’s sex life can totally alter your perception of them — and maybe even your perception of sex.  Remember what curiosity did to the cat?  Don’t be the cat.

If you have any of your own horror stories about learning more than you wanted to about sex, or other people’s sex lives, I’d love to hear them.

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & The Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff on NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at Sex911@nbc5.com