Sex is quite a phenomenon; it drives much of our society. Movies, TV, music, and even video games are loaded with sex. Most advertising, in one way or another, revolves around sex, even if it’s as subtle as using a sexy female spokesperson to sell some ugly Lincoln-Mercury in a commercial. Why? Because sex sells. And why shouldn’t it? As far as I know sex is still a pretty popular thing. It’s the one thing that we humans, no matter where we’re from, have in common. We’re curious about it. We love seeing it, hearing it, and learning about it. It helps us grow sexually. The majority of us love sex. Even the ones that don’t like it all that much still have it once in a blue moon. You married people know what I’m talking about.
The interesting thing is that although sex is such a public thing in society, most of us try to keep our sex lives as private as possible. I mean, of course we talk to our friends about certain aspects of our sex lives, but we don’t go overboard, like playing recorded audio or showing video evidence. Some things are sacred.
In fact many people are so secretive about their sex lives to the point where they almost act as if they don’t do it all. Who are they kidding! Everyone we know has sex. Even some of your wrinkly ol’ grandparents. Sorry if that just made you dry-heave but it’s true! And it brings me to my point: as great of a thing as sex is, sometimes there’re things about it you just don’t wanna know.
You have no idea how tough of a statement that is for me to say because hey, I’ll admit it — I love sex. I’m fascinated by it, and when it comes to the interesting and, at times, hilarious ways men and women interact with each other when it comes to sex and dating, I want to know everything there is to know about it. But sadly there’s an opposite side to everything. For all the cool things I’ve learned about sex, there’s been just as many freaky things that I wish an amnesia-induced head injury could make me forget.
Think about it, guys. Do you really want to learn that your drinking buddy has a strap-on hidden in his sock drawer? And ladies, do you really want to know that your best friend has a daddy fetish? And I think I can speak for the majority of society when I say that those of us who’ve seen “Two Girls One Cup” wish we could erase it from our memory banks. I still have post-traumatic stress from that one.
And who among us hasn’t experienced the terror of walking in on, or worse yet, being walked in on having sex? Believe me, it’s not like on the Spice Channel where a hot coed orgy breaks out. It’s always awkward. Sometimes it’s worth laughing about, but often it’s something you wish never happened. Imagine the horror of walking in on your parents going at it. We go through our whole lives avoiding the thought that our parents have sex. Believing I was delivered by the stork was perfectly fine with me. Stumbling upon mom and dad locked in the crab position is something I would prefer going to the grave without experiencing.
As hard we may try to avoid it, sometimes we’re thrust into the sex lives of others whether we like it or not. I once fought a fire at the house of a secretary who works for the town I worked for. As we were fighting the fire in her bedroom, dildos began raining from the closet shelves like a waterfall. She had more sex toys in there than a Cicero adult bookstore, including ball gags and a blow-up doll (which the fire deflated). If you think I’m uncomfortable imagining this well over-the-hill woman in latex and holding an industrial-sized bottle of Astroglide, imagine how she feels whenever she sees us firemen.
Although I’m pretty open about talking about my sex life, even I don’t want some aspects of it known. To this day I still drive two towns over to buy condoms because all the stores near my house have them locked up. Call me picky, but I don’t wanna have to ask an employee, “Can you unlock the condoms cabinet?” — especially since it’s always a little elderly woman who holds the only key to the thing. She always gives me a look as if to say, “You should be ashamed of yourself, sonny.” Whether I’m imaging it or not I still don’t want her knowing that much about my sex life and what I plan on doing with the economy 30-pack of lubricated Trojans.
So knowing a lot about sex is a good thing. It shows you have an open mind. But there’s a quota on that. Know where to draw the line. Knowing even a tiny smidgen of someone else’s sex life can totally alter your perception of them — and maybe even your perception of sex. Remember what curiosity did to the cat? Don’t be the cat.
If you have any of your own horror stories about learning more than you wanted to about sex, or other people’s sex lives, I’d love to hear them.
You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & The Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff on NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex. You can email Jon at Sex911@nbc5.com