Ladies: Invites Aren’t Always Booty Calls

As so many of us single people do after a night of drinking and feeling pretty randy, I decided to send a witty text to a girl I was dating telling her she should really drop by to see me.  After the brief cyberspace pause my phone began to vibrate as if it was saying, “Get ready, stud, you’re about to have a visitor.”  But the brakes came to a screeching halt when I read the words on the screen that said, “Sorry hunny, I’m not a booty call.”

 

Ouch.

 

I stared at the thing for a moment waiting for the second message to come through saying, “Just kidding.  I’ll be right there.”  But the message never came.  It was real.

 

The reason I was so floored was because I didn’t consider her a booty call at all. Would sex have happened if she came over? Probably. But it wasn’t the sole reason for the invite. I legitimately liked spending time with her.

 

When I spoke to her the next day, I asked why she thought the invite was a booty call, and she said it was because of the time of night. Excuse me? It’s silly to think that when the clock strikes a certain hour honest invites turn into shady booty calls.  If that were the case then guys all over the world would be doing mad calling and texting at 1:59 am to beat the 2 am booty call deadline.

 

No my friends, what makes an invite a booty call isn’t logistical things such as the time of night or your alcohol content.  It’s deeper than that.  It’s how you view the girl.  It’s based solely on whether you consider her just a booty call, or someone you really like spending time with. Think about it: if a guy is in a serious relationship with a girl he’s been with for 2 years and he texts her at 2 am to come over, she’s not a booty call.  Why? Because he doesn’t see her that way. It’s his girlfriend, someone he wants to spend time with regardless of the hour. But the dude that sends the same text at the same time to a girl he only sees on weekends in the wee hours of the morning is a booty call – he knows it and she knows it — and she’s fine with it.

 

Think of it this way:  a booty call is a noun AND a verb.  The verb booty call is something you do, but the noun booty call is what you are.  If you consider your partner as the noun then you see her as just another booty call.  But if you do the verb version with your partner you don’t think of her as just another booty call.  She’s a tier above – like the dude that booty-called his own girlfriend. 

 

So ladies before you’re quick to chastise a guy for booty calling you, first ask yourself if you’re the noun or the verb.  If you’re the noun, and you don’t want to be, you have reason to be offended.  But if you’re the verb, it’s not a bad thing.  Don’t overanalyze.  Just go over there and verb his brains out.

 

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com

  

 

 

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10 Responses to Ladies: Invites Aren’t Always Booty Calls

  1. JennyD says:

    Hmmm…maybe its not entirely the time of the call and maybe its not the proposition that was implied. You don’t mention how long you’d been dating, but if it was very early on she may not have had enough time to know for certain what your intentions were with her. You’re absolutely right on about the “noun” vs. “verb” when it comes to booty calls, but men need to make sure that they create enough of a balance, especially early on, between those late night “verb” sessions and quality time doing other things together.

  2. Jon says:

    True enough she may not know the guy’s intentions. That’s where speaking comes in. All she simply has to do is ask. Sure he can lie and say he really wants to hang with her when in reality he has booty call on the brain, but she’ll figure that out as soon as she gets there and he pounces on her like a mountain lion. Then she’ll know very clearly where she stands with him. But all assumptions do is cause frustration, and nothing ever gets done–including quality visits, and of course sex. So there’s a tip ladies. Just ASK HIM! Thanks for the comment, Jenny!

  3. Shamontiel says:

    I despise the Red Eye after they called Diddy a dog, so I haven’t read your column in months. However, I’m glad you emailed me so I could get back in the game. This was hilarious, as usual. However, I disagree. A guy I’d met two days ago called me for the first time at one in the morning. I didn’t return the call and never talked to him again in life. Men do not understand cut-off times when it’s time to NOT call a woman. It’s disrespectful to call them that late at night, especially if you barely call him them during the day. Do you call the woman in this blog regularly during the day? If not, you may be offending her. If she came over and didn’t want to have sex, would you be mad? Then you’d be putting in her in a booty call predicament. On top of that, it’s dangerous to go to guys’ houses that late at night anyway. Whenever people talk about that woman Tyson allegedly raped, the first thing they say is “Why did she go over there that late at night anyway?”

  4. Shamontiel says:

    Correction, he called me two days after he met me, not two days ago, as in April 6th. Sorry about that.

  5. I don’t think there was or is any doubt you liked spending time with her. But I give this gal props for setting a higher standard for herself and the time she spends with you.

    I think if you were honest Jon, you’d really have to admit you were making a booty call. And regardless, that was the message you communicated to her. So she made sure you got another message back.

    Had she not stepped up to that standard, you’d not have had the dialogue the next day. So I’m guessing it all worked out for the best…even if that night, you didn’t get the sex.

    😉

  6. Jon says:

    Shamontiel,

    Yeah, anyone who calls Diddy a dog should be boycotted!! And besides, since I’m not in the RedEye anymore you have to reason to read it anyway. Now you can check out my column every three days here at NBC!!

    I agree with everything you’re saying, but everything you say relates to the fact that you didn’t know the dude very well. This column has more to do with guys and gals who know each other fairly well and have already engaged in some sort of sexual relationship. The point is sharing with women (and men) that the intention behind the call is what counts, not the call itself. But then again if I recall correctly you never agreed with me anyway haha!

    Thanks for the comment. Nice to hear from you again and check in often!

    Jon

  7. Jon says:

    Elizabeth,

    This girl wasn’t setting a higher standard for herself. She was misunderstanding the purpose of the call based on assumptions. And no I can’t and won’t admit I was making a booty call. Maybe sex would have happened but it wasn’t the intent. Does that mean if I called her at 6 pm and took her to dinner, and then ended up having sex later in the night it means it was a booty call too? No. Again, it’s the intent, not the act itself. And the dialogue occured the next day not to discuss her standard, it was to send her the message to not assume things about me without asking first.

    And who says I didn’t get sex that night? 😉

    As always thanks for the comment!

    Jon

  8. Jon,

    She did set a standard. That she wasn’t going to be a booty call. How can you miss that?

    I think you might be in deep denial about the intent…especially considering you already said it was AFTER the night out when it hit you to call her.

    If you got the sex, I think my point stays valid about what you wanted that night, regardless.

  9. Rachel says:

    Ahhh….the late night phone calls/texts. These can be either a nice surprise or a nuisance to any person in the middle of a great REM cycle. If a girl replies back to you with an “I’m not your booty-call” type of response, you may want to ask yourself on how you treat her in general. Are the only forms of correspondence between you two about sex and when you want to get in her pants next? Or every time you see her you instantly throw the moves on her, get down to it, have awkward conversation, and hope that she leaves soon? If that is how she is being treated then yes, she is the “noun” version of booty-call. And for her to say no is her way of taking control of the situation or asking for a bit more from you. I know Carrie on Sex and the City tried once to make her booty-call a boyfriend and realized that all they did have between them is sex. Maybe you need to invite her over at say 11pm instead of 2am, have some conversation about the weather, sports, what she did over the weekend, and chill out. Don’t go jumping on her at all though. If she wants it let her come get it. You have just treated her outside of the box that she was confined to. When she leaves say goodnight, hugs and kisses or whatever it is that you do, and leave it at that. And the next time you call her at 2am she may not be so uptight about putting out.

    But if you have someone that you can call at 2am and say, “I’m in the mood, come on and get it” and she will come over for that romp in the hay and after you two can still have a genuine friendship and be fine with the bonus of sex then who cares. You got lucky and found your self the “verb”. You and she know that it is more than just casual sex. You have that connection. You can have her come over in the wee hours and just hang out and have a drink. You may imply that you want to have sex, but it doesn’t always have to happen and your not disappointed when she leaves you empty handed. You can talk about things before or after said “booty-call” relations happen. But I think that if you are both adults and know what you want going in to the situation then no one will be getting hurt.

    Now, this girl who is saying that she is no booty-call needs to start respecting her self and get some more self esteem if you ask me. Maybe you are not the only guy calling her late at night and she was just fed up with only being the booty-call…trust me I know how that one feels. She just needed to put a stop to it and you ended up being the fall person. Sucks to be you, but I’m sure if you give her sometime and try to be nice she will come around. I mean hell, you can even suck up and stroke her ego a bit and she just might stroke you in return for being oh so nice. Girls are complex, but simple things break us down, you just have to have the right timing with it all.

    Nothing wrong with a late night hello, sex, and goodbye though. Sometimes it is necessary. And helps de-stress some people for writing term papers 😉

  10. Jon says:

    Rachel,

    Yes I couldn’t have it better…oh wait, I DID! haha. Yes I totally agree, and that was the whole point. There’s nothing wrong being either the noun or the verb, as long as the message is clear between both people that’s the score. It’s all about clear intentions.

    And I agree with you about the hello, sex, and goodbye. Some of us are more than happy to help you ladies get good term paper grades 🙂

    Thanks for the comment!

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