Not All Sperm Are Created Equal

My sperm is in pretty high demand.

Wait, don’t go there. Let me explain. It seems the people in Austria are running low on sperm. I’m not exactly sure where all the sperm went, but they’re in need of more and they seem to believe their only savior is firefighters – or at least our sperm.

An Austrian sperm bank manager, or teller, or whatever he is, explains that firefighters have “very pleasing sperm” and they’d rather have ours then the sperm of a donor who looks like Brad Pitt. That’s how good we firefighters’ sperm is. How good is it? Well it’s worth about 70 Euros, which converts to about $110.57 a shot (no pun intended). Man, to think of all that money washed down my shower drain!

As flattering as the demand for my sperm is, I have a little piece of advice for our friends in Austria: go for the Brad Pitt-guy sperm instead. The fact of the matter is, the majority of firefighters out there don’t have the female firefighter-fantasy chiseled Matthew McConaughey look. Rather, a good majority of them sport the same look as my 250-pound shift mate, complete with no identifiable hair style and a moustache that should’ve been shaved off somewhere around 1995. It’s not pretty, folks. It’s not pretty.

Now I don’t mean to rip on firefighters; after all I am one. But since I’m against most stereotypes, I want to let the unsuspecting fertile women of Austria know what they might be in for. If you’re looking for that mystery sperm to produce a bambino with tons if inner beauty, then a firefighter is the way to go. But if you think that you’re going to get an offspring that jumped right out of the annual “Hottest Firefighter” calendar, then the joke’s gonna be on you.

Sound ridiculous? I agree. It all relates to how silly it is that some women find certain guys attractive simply because of their jobs – like firefighters, doctors, fighter pilots, etc. I understand why those types of jobs can be attractive to women, but so much so that it makes some want our sperm too? Silliness.

I think the point I’m trying to make here is to quit with the stereotypes already. If you wanna have sex with a guy, do it because you’re into him, not because he’s a firefighter. Imagine your disappointment, ladies, when you end up with a firefighter who sucks in bed. And if you’re looking to make a withdrawal from the local sperm bank, do it because you really want a baby, not because you think your firefighter mega-sperm is going to produce an Olympian athlete or Nobel Peace Prize winner.

Or hell, maybe I should come down from the soap box and get with the program. I have a somewhat active sex life. This could be a nice little side gig for me. No more freebees ladies now that my little super-swimmers are a hot commodity. From this point on when you come to visit make sure you bring $110.57 (no personal checks, please). We are open for business!

Learn more about Jon at and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at  You can email Jon at 


9 Responses to Not All Sperm Are Created Equal

  1. Could it be the rest of the DNA they’re after? You know, the qualities that make a man willing to run into a burning building to save a life, the sensitivity to society that makes a man want to be a public servant, or perhaps the flexibility a man would have to have to work the shifts it takes?

    Of course, it could be the strength that comes from those things AND the body…

    Either way, a man’s sperm cost a woman a lot more than a hundred bucks if that’s really what she’s after…I’m guessing you won’t get many offers for it at that rate…

    You do know eggs are worth more, right?

  2. Marcus Riley says:

    “…washed down your shower drain.” I think I just barfed a little in my mouth.

  3. kayleeking says:

    That was me who said that, I was accidently logged in as Marcus. And I’m sticking with the in-mouth barfing.

  4. Jon says:


    Hate to break it to you, but I’m a firm believer that willingness to run into a burning building isn’t coded in your DNA. It’s their job. The desire to become a firefighter isn’t something that their DNA made them do–more often than not guys become firefighters because of the great pay, extensive time off, and yes, even the ego-trip that goes with it. But in order to get all that they HAVE to go into burning buildings. Now of course we could say “Hell no” when it comes time to do those things, and it takes a certain kind of person to do it but I don’t think it’s a DNA thing. Look at it this way, before I was a firefighter I probably wouldn’t have gone into a building to save a life. But after I learned how to do it safely with the proper training and equipment the fear was gone. You can actually LEARN bravery.

    And a woman could get sperm from a bum and it doesn’t mean her baby will also become a bum. Why some people become who they are is a mystery. Upbringing and environment determines who they will be far more than DNA. For the most part, DNA only tells what they will look like.

    Yes I know eggs are worth more because a woman produces far fewer in a lifetime than men with sperm. It’s all about supply and demand 🙂

    Thanks for the comment, as always

  5. Jon says:

    You were logged in as Marcus?? Damn I better watch what I say about you when I email him from now on. Never know when you’re pretending to be him 🙂

    In mouth barfing?? Well if you think that grossed you out then chew on this: that same water that helped washed you-know-what down the drain is the exact same water people will be drinking in a few days once it’s “purified” at the water treatment plant. Makes you think twice about drinking and bathing in tap water huh?

    And you need to wise up to what most men do sometimes in the shower, regardless if they have a girlfriend or not–yes, your man too. If he ever uses your shower, or if you use his, think about what you might be stepping in 🙂


  6. kayleeking says:

    What’s sick is I was taking a drink of water when I read that.

    And, believe me, I know what my man is doing in the shower… and yes it involves spanking it. I just don’t want to think about your shower habits, haha.

    Enjoy the beautiful day!

  7. Jon Ibrahim says:

    hey, at least I DO shower. Anyone who’s spent any amount of time in a crowded El train knows that isn’t the case with everyone 🙂

  8. Benround Dablock says:

    Hmm, $110.57. You could write a new travel book on how to travel Europe on $110.00 a day.

    That, BTW, is about how much they pay a substitute teacher for Chicago Public Schools. Just think, can sub for a bunch of delinquents for nine months and then grab a tube of KY, some sunglasses and head to Austria for the summer. Cool!

    Just think how relaxed you’d be by the start of the new school year!

  9. Jon Ibrahim says:

    Haha I like the way you think, although why are you thinking so small? Remember they pay $ 110.57 per SHOT, not per day. On a good day I can go several shots before hitting air haha. We could easilly turn that in to about $ 600.00 a day, although sadly the US dollar isn’t what it used to be. Inflation was never so much fun though!!

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