Distraction Sex is Just a Band-Aid

Sex isn’t just sex. There’s a bunch a different kinds. There’s make-up sex, revenge sex, hate sex, etc.  One type of sex that seldom gets any press is distraction sex.  It’s something I’ve had some experience with in my sex and dating career.

Distraction sex is sex you have with other people just to get your mind off the person you REALLY want to be having sex withk, and that person — your “Number One” — is likely someone you have feelings for.  It could be a very recent ex that you haven’t gotten over yet or someone you’re casually dating, but either way, you wish it was something more. They’re on your mind so much that you resort to having casual sex with someone else to stop the emotional wheels in your head from turnin’.  Like the song says, “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

The logic behind distraction sex is it’s an ego boost, which acts a good counter-balance to the low self-esteem you’re feeling from being without your Number One.  It’s a quick ego pick-me-up. It says, “Hey dude, you’re still dead sexy and chicks still want you.”

The fact of the matter, though, is that distraction sex doesn’t work. It’s just a Band-Aid, and like a Band-Aid it doesn’t cure the wound, it just covers it up.  After the sex is over and your guest is gone, you’re right back to yearning for Number One.  In fact you’ll probably feel worse because you’ll be thinking, “Man, I wish I could’ve done that with ‘So-And-So.'”  Don’t get me wrong, I would never say stop having sex if you can’t have it with Number One.  I’m simply saying that for sex to be enjoyable, make sure you’re having it for the right reasons, not just as a distraction.  After all, I could punch myself in the face to distract me from a sore back but somehow it just doesn’t make sense, does it?

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com

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10 Responses to Distraction Sex is Just a Band-Aid

  1. Rachel says:

    Wonder who your really thinking of?

  2. California Girl says:

    Dang, dude: “Revenge sex, hate sex, distraction sex” — which you describe as “sex you have with other people to get your mind off the person you REALLY want to be having sex with….”

    What about “good sex”? What about having the most amazing sex you possibly can, every time?

    What about not using someone else’s heart and body to stroke your own ego?

    The way you describe it, stroking yourself would probably be more distracting and a helluva lot more fun for everyone involved. And quicker.

  3. Benround Dablock says:

    Ego boost? Getting your mind off the other girl? Emotional wheels??……good god, c’mon man…….you’re a dude. It ain’t that complicated. How bout after a hard day of work, a killer workout, the third shot of tequila, the dress looks hot, the sun is up, the sun is down, the Cubs game is over, hey…. how bout cause THE WIND IS BLOWING! You get my point? Sex is always a great distraction…..period. Do you really need an excuse?

    I don’t want to discount your theory here Einstein, I get what your saying, but you’d have sex with some random to get your mind off of someone else? How about the rewarding experience of putting in the extra effort to get that “special someone”.
    Think that might do a little more for your ego than picking up Ms. Barfly from last night….don’t you think?

    If you concentrate on the matter at hand or….in hand, you won’t have time to spend much time thinking about why…. and my guess is you’d be with the girl you want to be with in the first place.

    Good luck with that Serial Dating!

  4. Jon Ibrahim says:

    Rachel,

    You’re not the first person to ask me who I’m referring to, or really thinking about. But who said I was referring to me in this piece? 😉

  5. Jon Ibrahim says:

    California Girl,

    It surprising to me that people out there still think that if you have a lot of sex, or different kinds of sex, that it can’t be good as if there is a disconnect between quantity and quality. I’m sure many people can attest that they’ve had good, if not even hot, revenge and hate sex. I know I have. And it doesn’t suggest that distraction sex isn’t good either. The blog just says that after the distraction sex (even if it’s good) you still yearn for the person you were thinking about prior. Does having sex boost one’s ego? Sure, but it doesn’t have to be the main motivator, it’s just a biproduct. And why does it have to be stroking yourself or someone else doing it for you? Can’t we do both? 😉

  6. Jon Ibrahim says:

    Benround,

    To keep things simple, I’ll answer your comment this way: when you eat, you eat for different reasons. One end of the spectrum is to eat for survival and the other is to eat for pleasure. For survival you can eat bread and water and you’ll be ok, but it isn’t very fulfilling. For pleasure you can go to Morton’s and get a big juicy filet. Do you have to? No, but you WANT to.

    It’s the same with sex. You have different kinds of sex because you want to, not because you need to. You have revenge sex or distraction sex to satisfy a certain need of the moment, just like you go to Morton’s to satisfy your good steak craving.

    You mention sex with that special someone as if I would be against it. Certainly not. If that’s the type of sex you’re into then more power to ya! But it’s not to say that it trumps any other type of sex others are having. Trust me, there are plenty of women who don’t so much mind casually engaging in the many different types of sex. It may not be with the one you prefer, but it’s a hell of a nice distration 🙂

    Thanks for the comment.

  7. “If that’s the type of sex you’re into then more power to ya! But it’s not to say that it trumps any other type of sex others are having.”

    Actually, depending on your craving for oxytocin levels…it does.

  8. Jon Ibrahim says:

    Eh, sometimes sex isn’t about oxytocin levels–sometimes it’s just about wanting to get freaky. The same reason I always want GOOD pizza. It’s not because there is some mineral or nutrient in pizza that is making my body crave it. It’s because I LOVE it! 🙂

  9. yeah, but you love it because you get an increase in oxytocin.

    Sex is always about oxytocin levels, even if you aren’t after that. Now, more intimate sex brings more oxytocin, that’s why I said it trumps other types of sex. Oxy produces bonding, bonding produces oxy so to speak. It’s a beautiful catch 22. 😉

    by the way, i love pizza too.

    🙂

  10. Jon Ibrahim says:

    It still doesn’t entirely work that way. It’s not all chemical. For example, stressful situations (the bad kind) produce the exact same epinephrine release as suddenly excitement, the good kind, like hitting a jackpot on the slot machine perhaps, which most would probably admit they would LOVE to experience over and over. But the epi release is NOT what makes them love hitting a jackpot, it’s the psychological knowledge of it. if your theory was correct then it would imply that people would desire the bad stressful situations to get that epi release they found so pleasurable when they won a jackpot. As I said before, sometimes it is what it is 🙂

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