Being Single Doesn’t Mean You’re Flawed

Last week I was asked to guest speak about sex, dating, and relationships at a monthly event for Gals Guide.com at J-Bar.  To read more on it check out my Street Team blog. As fun as the event was I noticed a very interesting and puzzling thing as the night progressed and the drinks were a-flowin’.  Blagica and Sarah, the women running the event, both said the ladies had a great time and many made statements about how good looking I was, how nice I was, etc., followed up with statements wondering why the hell I was single.

Now I don’t bring this up to brag that women think I’m very attractive.  In fact to the contrary I think I have a face that would scare small children, but that’s beside the point.  The point I’m making is an argument that I’ve made before, and am always fascinated by:  that people assume if you’re “normal” in every other way but single there must be something wrong with you.  The women asking with surprise, “Why the hell is he single,” is proof to that.

They wouldn’t ask that question if they weren’t expecting an answer such as, “He has committment issues,” or “He just got out of a bad relationship,” or “He’s a player,” or “He’s gay” — all false, although one woman there did ask me if I was gay.

While there is no palpable reason why I’m single, the sad truth is that the general population believes that if you’re in your late twenties or early thirties and are still single there must be something wrong with you — that you’re flawed in some way.  They think you’re a player just out for sex, you can’t commit, or have some character flaw that prevents any member of the opposite sex from wanting anything to do with you.  Hogwash!

I’m not all that surprised really.  After all, women are very analytical.  They ask “why” to trivial things way more than they need to–sorta like toddlers do.  Women hear, “I’m single” and immediately think, “Hmm he might be suspect.”  Men hear, “I’m single” and immediately think, “Cool, I can have sex with her without a jealous boyfriend coming after me.”  Over thinking is OK in some situations, ladies, such as deciding if White Castle at 3 am is a good idea or not, but the “I’m single” situation isn’t one of them.  Sometimes it is what it is.

What ever happened to being selective before you jump into a relationship?  Or maybe you’re so busy that you can’t provide the time a good relationship requires.  Maybe you simply haven’t met the right girl.  George Clooney’s been single forever; you don’t hear anyone saying he’s broken do ya?  Yet another similarity between me and George.

So ladies, when a seemingly decent dude tells you he’s single don’t be so quick to be suspicious like you’re getting an awesome price on a car and asking, “Hmm what’s the catch?”  Sometimes there isn’t one.  How bout this:  if you’re curious why we’re single, just ask.  I know forthright communication between men and women is a radical idea, but it’s been known to happen. 

You can learn more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.comand make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com

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13 Responses to Being Single Doesn’t Mean You’re Flawed

  1. Blagica says:

    Hi Jon!

    One quick note: I don’t know if the ladies that chatted you up thought somethin’ was wrong with you, it wasn’t me:). I do think you’re right though. I got the same comment before I met Michael – at 29.

    Women get the same reaction, trust me. To be single, semi attractive and mid-to late 20s? Folks wonder, ‘Huh?’

    Glad you had fun and you’re welcome back any time. Want me to set you up? KIDDING:)
    BB-

  2. Jon Ibrahim says:

    Hey Blagica!

    No I didn’t think you thought I had a problem. You were sweet as pie! Wanna know what’s funny though, just today before I posted this blog one of your members emailed me on Facebook saying how it was nice to meet me and ended it with “By the way, why are you single??” Haha! this is my curse

    Met ‘ol Michael at 29 huh? Nice to know I’m not the only late bloomer! And nice to know I’m welcome anytime..you just have to invite me!

    And as much as I’d like to take you up on the setting me up thing, I’d hate to have a friend of yours hating you in the long run. Who needs that drama?? 🙂

    Jon

  3. Sun Lover says:

    Jon,

    You didn’t even mention anything about those of us singles in their 40’s+!! I guess you assume everyone finds someone by their late 30’s??

    Although I like your bringing attention to the fact that singles aren’t flawed, I have to point out major contradictions in your tale– first, you say, “the general population believes… there must be something wrong with you”. And then, bam, not so general anymore– next thing outta ya– you say that “women ask ‘why’ to trivial things way more than they need to– sorta like toddlers do” (which I personally find insulting). And you end your tale with this shocker, “How bout this: if you’re curious why we’re single, just ask.”

    You call us toddlers for asking, and then you suggest the evident; just ask! Nice going, you’ve confirmed to this smart & sexy 40-something yr. old women who thrives as a single, exactly why I am just that– single– b/c men can be all over the place, BUT forthright & clear!!

    I’ve never undertood why it upsets people soooo much when questioned about being single… god only knows I question why most people marry!!

    BTW: Not sure where you gathered your info., but men are more analytical than women are.

    Sun Lover

  4. hey jon… this is one of my favorite pieces you’ve written. can completely relate…(which we’ve talked about)…and believe me…we’ve all got flaws…this isn’t one of yours by any stretch. selective is a GOOD thing.

    😉

  5. GREAT LINE-
    ” that people assume if you’re “normal” in every other way but single there must be something wrong with you.”

    It was fun attending your event a couple weeks ago, and good to meet ya. I used to enjoy reading your Red Eye columsn all the time when you were working for them. Good stuff

  6. California Girl says:

    I totally agree with you, Fireman, when you say being single doesn’t mean you’re flawed.

    Being single has huge benefits: freedom, fun, adventure and getting the icecream all to yourself. Not to mention the bed, when you want it that way.

    I’m surprised anyone would wonder why someone in their 20s, early 30s and beyond is single when it’s got so many perks — and when so many marriages are ending because they’re not working.

    I have to agree with Sun Lover that an analytical personality isn’t dictated by gender. And I can’t think of a single toddler who’s analytical. Could that be your attempt to flirt with us, or are you just trying to shake things up? 🙂

    It takes balls to write this column and lay it all out there. Kinda like what it takes to be in any relationship for the long haul. Hopefully no one rushes into a long-term commitment like that just out of any kind of pressure from society or the circles they run in. It’s about enjoying life, right?

  7. Jon Ibrahim says:

    Hey Sun Lover…

    Sorry for excluding those of you in your 40’s, especially the quote “smart and sexy ones” 🙂 I was speaking about singles in general. My bad.

    When I say that women ask why like toddlers, I didn’t mean literally as if they are standing in front of men and asking outloud “why” “why” “why”. I meant when they are being over-analytical, they ask it to themselves. They start going through “if-then” scenarios in their heads, hence my few references to over THINKING things. So when I tell them to ask us why we’re single if they’re so curious, it’s not a contradiction. Its them wondering about it and then just asking instead of wondering about it and having the over-analytical wheels a-turnin’ in their heads. Capiche?

    And yes, of course some men can be analytical just as much as women, but hey, I write from the male perspective. I can’t rip on them TOO much! 🙂

    Thanks for the comment.

  8. Jon Ibrahim says:

    Elizabeth,

    Thanks for the compliment on the piece. Yes we have discussed it before.

    Wait, we all got flaws? Hmmm….I didn’t get the memo on that one 😉

    Hope your move went well!!

  9. Jon Ibrahim says:

    Paul,

    It was great meeting you too!! And thanks for the compliment on my rantings. I’m sure we’ll be seeing great things from us both!!

  10. Jon Ibrahim says:

    Hey Cali,

    Nice to see you agree with me on this one…I think the last one you chastised me haha. Yes I wish there was enough space to write about the virtues of being single, and yes, having my entire huge king size bed all to myself is one of them, until I want to share of course.

    Flirting or shaking things up? Hmm…is there is a difference?? 😉

    Sadly too many people DO rush into relationships and marriage for whatever crazy reason. Maybe if they were more patient and selective like people such as us the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high. Damn if they would only listen to me!!!

    Thanks for the comment once again!!

  11. ha! well, i hide my flaws sometimes…maybe you do the same? 🙂

    move went well. but it still sucks. 😉

  12. Jon Ibrahim says:

    Maybe I hide my flaws? Hm, I’m not sure what you’re talking about 😉

  13. Becky says:

    I have no flaws, I’mperfect.

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