What Your Sex Numbers Say About You

August 18, 2008

Everyone would like to think they’re good in the sack.  I mean, really, who goes bragging that their nickname is Three-Pump Jonny?  (That’s just an example and in NO way meant to be taken seriously, by the way).  Similarly, guys don’t want their girls to be lame in bed either.  You may be thinking, “Not me, pal.  My girlfriend is crazy-freaky in bed, so there!”  If so, kudos; you’re one of the lucky ones.  But before you break your arm patting yourself on the back, riddle me this:  How do you think she got that way?


As much as you’d like to think you’re the all-masterful sex teacher that you are, chances are she had a little experience in learning those positions that could make Olympic gymnasts cringe.  Let’s explore further, shall we?


The amount of sexual partners you’ve had are your “numbers”.  Everyone’s got ‘em.  It’s your sexual resume, of sorts.  Some think that women with high numbers are sluts and guys with high numbers are players.  Fair labels?  Is there such as a thing as having too high a number?


One girl I polled says yes.  When asked what she would think of a 21 year old girl that’s been with 20 guys, she answered in one simple word, “Slut”.  Really?  Fascinating!  So then if 20 is too high a number, what’s the number that separates slut from normal?  10?  15?  She didn’t know, and believe it or not I don’t know either.  Weird, huh?


My friend Nicole thinks it’s not a matter of numbers, but a matter of frequency.  She thinks if you have sex with multiple partners in a short span of time, that’s when you approach slut status.  So then what’s the frequency and time span?  She didn’t know, and again I didn’t either.  See how perplexing sex numbers can be?  It’s like you need a physics degree just to have a sex life!


Speaking of sluts, what’s the definition of one anyway?  Nicole thinks it’s simply a girl who has high numbers.  I disagree though.  I think a slut is based on behavior, not actions.  A slut is a girl who brags about the sex she has.  It’s the girl who uses sex to get attention.  It’s the girl who you see making out with 6 different guys at the bar in one night.  You know–something you basically see on any given Saturday night at a Lincoln Park bar.  And if that’s you, don’t fret.  I’m not making fun of you.  Be the best slut you can be.  Who am I to judge?


So then is it acceptable for men to have higher numbers than women, even at the same age?  Every woman I asked said that although it isn’t fair, it’s acceptable, and actually expected, for men to have higher numbers.  Huh?  How does that even remotely make sense?  As a population wouldn’t male and female numbers generally be the same?  If ours are higher as a whole then doesn’t mean we men are having sex with the same small group of high-numbered women?  That’s just plain wrong on so many levels.  Gotta love the double standard, huh?


I guess in the end numbers don’t mean anything because you’ll never get the truth anyway.  Girls always drop their numbers while men always round theirs up.  Why would you purposefully place yourself in the “double condom required” category simply because you confessed your high numbers?  Your numbers are personal.  They’re not for bragging.  Reporting your true numbers will just open yourself up to scrutiny and judgment.  No good can come of it.  It’s like handing Naomi Cambell a cell phone and then daring her to whip it at you.  I think we all know how that would turn out.


Beware of Sexual False Advertising

July 28, 2008

Through a mixture of experience and conceit I’m pretty sure I got the whole sex and dating thing down pretty well.  Even so, every now and then something in the crazy world of sex and dating throws me for a loop.  I know…hard to believe, but true.

Here’s the scenario:  you have a booty call relationship with someone where they basically come over way after sundown for sex.  It’s not JUST sex, mind you.  There is a little hanging out, chatting, and catching up before the clothes go a-flyin’.  You both know what the relationship is and you’re cool with it.  It’s all good, right?  Well…

Once in a blue moon one of these people will contact you for a would-be booty call and here’s how the convo goes:  Her:  “Want some company?”  You:  “Sure, come on by.”  Her:  “You sure it’s not too late?”  You:  Nope,  definitely come by”  Her:  “Ok, just so you know, though, it’s that time of the month.”


That’s what we in the sex and dating biz call false advertising.  She used the unwritten protocol of asking if I want company, which in the past with her has ALWAYS meant “do you want me to come over for sex” to corner me into a non-sex hang-out session.  She dangled the bait and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Granted they may do this unintentionally with no sinister motives, but it doesn’t make the advertising any less false.

Intentional or not, it’s false advertising because the late-night visit offer after a night out drinking with her friends implies sex.  Why?  Because every other sexual encounter with her started the exact same way.  She drops the time of the month bombshell only after I’m all in.  Now I’m obligated; there’s no turning back.  If I say, “Oh it is?  Umm…well let’s save it for another time then,” then I look like a major a-hole.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like a non-sex visit with them is horrible. In fact it’s cool to hang out with them sometimes — just maybe not THAT night.  Maybe I don’t wanna watch a movie.  Maybe I don’t wanna have idle chit-chat about how my last shift at the firehouse was.  Maybe I was just in the mood for sex.  It was the classic bait and switch.

Sure it sounds harsh, but that’s the way the world works…at least the sex and dating world.  And for you haters out there, don’t go assuming I expect sex every time a gal drops by.  So not true.  If a booty call asks on a non-sex occasion to just hang out that’s completely fine.  I like chillin’ too.  But mention it right away; don’t present the offer similar to every other sexual visit and then drop the no sex disclaimer when it’s too late to back out.  It’s like offering me ice cream and when I say, “yes” you say, “well too bad, I don’t have any.” 

In corporate America businesses can get sued for false advertising.  While I don’t suggest something that harsh where sex is concerned, steps should still be taken to avoid it.  Be open and upfront about what the late night visit is about to avoid any drama later.  If you’re close enough to have sex with the person then there should be no awkwardness in telling them right away if sex going to be part of the itinerary.  That way there’ll be less disappointment, less misunderstandings, and maybe even less lawsuits.

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.comand make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff on NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com

I’m Too Good for Bad Dates

July 21, 2008

Recently I was chatting with a female friend about how she’s had a stretch of bad dates lately.  After hearing every grisly gut-wrenching detail of the dates she was right; they WERE bad dates.  As sorry as I was for her I do always get a perverted thrill in hearing other people’s dating misery.  What can I say; I’m easilly entertained.

So my expert opinion for her was that the dates were definitely bad because of the dudes — they were lame-o’s.  But imagine her surprise when I then told her that in the end, it was her fault.

And that goes for all of you out there who go on continuous runs of bad dates.  Maybe you weren’t the one who made them bad, but it’s definitely your fault.  Why?  Most likely it’s because of your poor selection skills when it comes to accepting who you’ll date.  I got news for you:  just because someone asks doesn’t mean you have to go out with them. 

Take me for example.  Life is WAY too short to go on bad dates.  And yes, I’m not shy in proclaiming that I’m too good for bad dates.  Conceited, you say?  Maybe.  But I’ll hazard to guess that if more people were as selective as me they’d have a lot less dating woes.

I’m of the opinion that, at least in my world, 85% of the population is undateable for one reason or another.  That leaves the remaining 15% for me to sift through.  But since that’s such a low percentage it means you date a lot less–and THAT’S where people get themselves in trouble.

Some people think dating success is determined by volume.  They feel confident if their dating calendar is full.  They think if they’re not going on dates then they’re a loser.  But the reality is that dating is all about quality not quantity.  I’ll take sitting on the couch in my underwear watching Family Guy and eating mac and cheese out of the pan over a bad date any day of the week–and feel totally secure in my dating life doing it.  That’s why I don’t have many bad date stories.  I go for top shelf.  I’m a 15% kinda guy.

Granted women complain about bad dates far more than men, not just because women are normally over-critical than they need to be, but because men are so clueless sometimes that they can’t recognize a bad date if it sucker punched them in the face.  And besides, men will tolerate much more punishment on a bad date, especially if the chick is hot or there’s potential to get laid.

So come on people; be a little more selective will ya?!?  Don’t just date for dating’s sake.  Up your standards a bit or accept less questionable dates and maybe your bad date horror stories will diminish.  Sure it won’t be as entertaining for me but if it helps you, what the hell.

Find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.comand make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex Page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com 

The Fireman & the Shrink Face the Women of Gals’ Guide

July 14, 2008

A couple of weeks ago, me and my partner-in-crime Dr. Paul — a.k.a. the Fireman & the Shrink– were asked to speak about what we know best: sex, dating, and relationships, at a monthly event for Gals’ Guide.com. I did a post about it on my NBC Street Team blog but many of my readers were asking for to me post here on Sex 9-1-1 as well, so here it is!!!

Gal’s Guide is a Chicago-based Web site created specifically for women making the sometimes daunting transition from college life to big city life, and gives street smart, real world advice on finances, job searching, apartment hunting, beauty and fashion, and my favorite of them all — sex, dating, and relationships.

Slideshow: Diva Series Event

The event was hosted by J-Bar, promoted by my good friend Sarah Vargo of Sarah Vargo Promotions, and was executed flawlessly by Gals’ Guide’s creator and fellow Street Team member Blagica Bottigliero. It was a ton of fun. I mean come on, I was in a room filled with women discussing sex — how couldn’t it?? Click here to check out pictures of the event taken by the very talented photographer Leora Zellman.

Paul and I got to speak to the women and answer their very candid questions in our fun Fireman & the Shrink style. I was even put in the hot seat a few times answering questions about what I thought of women who “put out” on the first date, whether I’ve ever used my job as a fireman to get laid, and even if I was gay. And of course Dr. Paul wowed ’em with all that scientific stuff that oozes from his psyche like molasses.

Admittedly, even for me it can be a little intimidating speaking in front of so many women when you write what I write, or say what I say. I didn’t know if I would get out of there alive. But the women were totally cool with any subject matter, and even initiated it. I think I somehow even managed to not piss off or offend as many women as I thought I would. I think that’s a testament to the Gals’ Guide’s members. The site enables strength in women, and that was apparent by the strong secure women that attended the event. But don’t take my word for it. You should check ’em out for yourself!

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex and relationship content on NBC5’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex. You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and email him at sex911@nbc5.com.

Being Single Doesn’t Mean You’re Flawed

June 30, 2008

Last week I was asked to guest speak about sex, dating, and relationships at a monthly event for Gals Guide.com at J-Bar.  To read more on it check out my Street Team blog. As fun as the event was I noticed a very interesting and puzzling thing as the night progressed and the drinks were a-flowin’.  Blagica and Sarah, the women running the event, both said the ladies had a great time and many made statements about how good looking I was, how nice I was, etc., followed up with statements wondering why the hell I was single.

Now I don’t bring this up to brag that women think I’m very attractive.  In fact to the contrary I think I have a face that would scare small children, but that’s beside the point.  The point I’m making is an argument that I’ve made before, and am always fascinated by:  that people assume if you’re “normal” in every other way but single there must be something wrong with you.  The women asking with surprise, “Why the hell is he single,” is proof to that.

They wouldn’t ask that question if they weren’t expecting an answer such as, “He has committment issues,” or “He just got out of a bad relationship,” or “He’s a player,” or “He’s gay” — all false, although one woman there did ask me if I was gay.

While there is no palpable reason why I’m single, the sad truth is that the general population believes that if you’re in your late twenties or early thirties and are still single there must be something wrong with you — that you’re flawed in some way.  They think you’re a player just out for sex, you can’t commit, or have some character flaw that prevents any member of the opposite sex from wanting anything to do with you.  Hogwash!

I’m not all that surprised really.  After all, women are very analytical.  They ask “why” to trivial things way more than they need to–sorta like toddlers do.  Women hear, “I’m single” and immediately think, “Hmm he might be suspect.”  Men hear, “I’m single” and immediately think, “Cool, I can have sex with her without a jealous boyfriend coming after me.”  Over thinking is OK in some situations, ladies, such as deciding if White Castle at 3 am is a good idea or not, but the “I’m single” situation isn’t one of them.  Sometimes it is what it is.

What ever happened to being selective before you jump into a relationship?  Or maybe you’re so busy that you can’t provide the time a good relationship requires.  Maybe you simply haven’t met the right girl.  George Clooney’s been single forever; you don’t hear anyone saying he’s broken do ya?  Yet another similarity between me and George.

So ladies, when a seemingly decent dude tells you he’s single don’t be so quick to be suspicious like you’re getting an awesome price on a car and asking, “Hmm what’s the catch?”  Sometimes there isn’t one.  How bout this:  if you’re curious why we’re single, just ask.  I know forthright communication between men and women is a radical idea, but it’s been known to happen. 

You can learn more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.comand make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com

Distraction Sex is Just a Band-Aid

June 16, 2008

Sex isn’t just sex. There’s a bunch a different kinds. There’s make-up sex, revenge sex, hate sex, etc.  One type of sex that seldom gets any press is distraction sex.  It’s something I’ve had some experience with in my sex and dating career.

Distraction sex is sex you have with other people just to get your mind off the person you REALLY want to be having sex withk, and that person — your “Number One” — is likely someone you have feelings for.  It could be a very recent ex that you haven’t gotten over yet or someone you’re casually dating, but either way, you wish it was something more. They’re on your mind so much that you resort to having casual sex with someone else to stop the emotional wheels in your head from turnin’.  Like the song says, “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

The logic behind distraction sex is it’s an ego boost, which acts a good counter-balance to the low self-esteem you’re feeling from being without your Number One.  It’s a quick ego pick-me-up. It says, “Hey dude, you’re still dead sexy and chicks still want you.”

The fact of the matter, though, is that distraction sex doesn’t work. It’s just a Band-Aid, and like a Band-Aid it doesn’t cure the wound, it just covers it up.  After the sex is over and your guest is gone, you’re right back to yearning for Number One.  In fact you’ll probably feel worse because you’ll be thinking, “Man, I wish I could’ve done that with ‘So-And-So.'”  Don’t get me wrong, I would never say stop having sex if you can’t have it with Number One.  I’m simply saying that for sex to be enjoyable, make sure you’re having it for the right reasons, not just as a distraction.  After all, I could punch myself in the face to distract me from a sore back but somehow it just doesn’t make sense, does it?

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com

Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You

June 10, 2008

As any relationship guru will tell you, the key to any successful relationship is communication.  Believe it or not, the same goes for casual sex and dating.  Certainly good communication seems pretty simple on the surface, but the fact of the matter is that about 80% of the world’s population is stupid.  Casual dating drama is usually caused by vital information not getting from Point A to Point B.

This is never more true than when guys can’t read between the lines with what the girl they’re dating is telling them — especially when being dumped.  Now of course all the blame doesn’t lie with the dense guy.  When a girl is giving a dude his walking papers she should just say it outright.  But not everyone is comfortable giving the truth, especially when it’s something as uncomfortable as saying, “Call me never.”  So what the girl usually does is give vague details about why she hasn’t called, like she’s been busy, hasn’t been feeling well, cat died, etc.  But what she’s really saying is, “don’t call me, I’ll call you.”

For whatever reason though some men don’t get it.  Maybe they have a crappy ability of reading vibes, or they’re in denial that their girl is moving on to greener pastures.  Either way, the end result is the poor sap doing the endless texts and unreturned calls, which transforms him from the guy she used to dig to the desperate chump who can’t take a hint.

So guys, in the interests of saving some face and a little bit of frustration, use your instincts to tell yourself that when something doesn’t seem quite right with your girl — it probably isn’t.  Realize that when she’s giving you every excuse in the book not to see or talk to you or text it might as well be her saying, “Don’t call me I’ll call you.”  And follow those unspoken words as gospel.  If she does call you then things are just fine.  If she doesn’t then you were right.  Where I come from that’s called win-win.  

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcast “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com