Ah, Valentine’s Day: a day devoted to celebrating the love and adoration we hold for our significant other. A day where romance fills the air and warms the soul. A day where even the hardest of hearts can believe that true love is indeed possible.
What a load of crap!
Just typing the above paragraph made me want to projectile vomit. To me Valentine’s Day is one of the worst days there is, falling somewhere between Income Tax Day and the day I got a colonoscopy. For years I’ve tolerated Valentine’s Day malarkey like the nauseating Jared Diamond commercials or seeing some chump pay big bucks to get “Bob Loves Michelle” on the scoreboard at the United Center. As if watching the Bulls and Blackhawks isn’t painful enough.
I refuse to take it anymore!
Now ladies, if you print this out, show it to your man, and ask him if he agrees with me. He’ll probably say, “No way, baby, he’s a crazy man,” but trust me when I say that he secretly dreads the rapid approach of the hell that is Feb. 14th. Why you ask? Well for one, it’s the whole gift-giving thing. It has nothing to do with the cost either; it’s the significance. They know this year’s gift has got to be better than last year’s, because in a woman’s over-analytical mind, a down-graded gift from last year means your feelings for her have downgraded too. If you show up with a plastic vase full of the finest flowers Walgreen’s has to offer you probably shouldn’t plan on having sex anytime in the near future.
Audio Podcast: The Fireman and the Shrink Discuss Valentine’s Day
Not only does the poor dude have to worry about his own gift, he has to worry about the gifts his girlfriend’s friends got from their men. Women are insanely competitive with each other. She’d love for nothing more than to know that she got the best VD gift than the other women in her circle of friends. If you come home with a bouquet of heart-shaped foil balloons as a gift for your girl and her best friend got a trip to Cabo, you’re gonna have major issues, pal.
Ladies, why would you even want a gift anyway? The sincerity of it is watered down. He didn’t buy it as a symbol of his affection for you. It was out of obligation so he doesn’t get in hot water with you. Pretty romantic, huh?
So to avoid becoming a victim of the Valentine’s Day massacre, I celebrate my own created holiday — Anti-V.D. Day. How? By doing the exact opposite of what all those lovey-dovey fools do on VD. Never take a girl out on a date on VD because she might get the wrong idea and think, “Wow he asked me out on Valentine’s Day; he must really like me!” I remember a few years ago I made the mistake of asking a girl I was casually dating to dinner on VD. She got all weird on me afterward because she thought my asking her out on VD was my way of saying that I wanted to dial the relationship up a notch. Needless to say that didn’t go over very well. I shoulda waited til the 15th.
The best way to rebel against the Valentine’s Day establishment and celebrate Anti-VD Day is instead of having a VD night filled with romance, cuddling, and an 8:30 screening of “27 Dresses,” have hot uncommitted sex with a casual partner who hates the idea of Valentine’s Day as much as you do. Trust me, they’re out there. Since lust is the opposite of love it fits into the program nicely.
So the lesson here is to see Valentine’s Day for the sham that it is. Ladies, don’t get so hung up on things like overanalyzing his gift or wondering if he’ll choose this day to say I love you for the first time. Don’t take it so seriously. After all, Valentine’s Day was never intended to be the sappy cheese-fest it is today. In ancient Rome, on February 14th the men would run through the streets whipping women with bloody strips of sacrificed goats in some freaky mating ritual. Maybe if we brought back customs like that Valentine’s Day wouldn’t be so popular. We can only hope, can’t we?
Want to hear more of Jon’s views on Valentine’s Day? Listen to the Valentine’s Day edition of his podcast “The Fireman and the Shrink,” and check out all the other great content on NBC5’s Better Sex website at www.nbc5.com/bettersex. You can email Jon at firstname.lastname@example.org and find out more about him at www.jonibrahim.com.