What Your Sex Numbers Say About You

August 18, 2008

Everyone would like to think they’re good in the sack.  I mean, really, who goes bragging that their nickname is Three-Pump Jonny?  (That’s just an example and in NO way meant to be taken seriously, by the way).  Similarly, guys don’t want their girls to be lame in bed either.  You may be thinking, “Not me, pal.  My girlfriend is crazy-freaky in bed, so there!”  If so, kudos; you’re one of the lucky ones.  But before you break your arm patting yourself on the back, riddle me this:  How do you think she got that way?

 

As much as you’d like to think you’re the all-masterful sex teacher that you are, chances are she had a little experience in learning those positions that could make Olympic gymnasts cringe.  Let’s explore further, shall we?

 

The amount of sexual partners you’ve had are your “numbers”.  Everyone’s got ‘em.  It’s your sexual resume, of sorts.  Some think that women with high numbers are sluts and guys with high numbers are players.  Fair labels?  Is there such as a thing as having too high a number?

 

One girl I polled says yes.  When asked what she would think of a 21 year old girl that’s been with 20 guys, she answered in one simple word, “Slut”.  Really?  Fascinating!  So then if 20 is too high a number, what’s the number that separates slut from normal?  10?  15?  She didn’t know, and believe it or not I don’t know either.  Weird, huh?

 

My friend Nicole thinks it’s not a matter of numbers, but a matter of frequency.  She thinks if you have sex with multiple partners in a short span of time, that’s when you approach slut status.  So then what’s the frequency and time span?  She didn’t know, and again I didn’t either.  See how perplexing sex numbers can be?  It’s like you need a physics degree just to have a sex life!

 

Speaking of sluts, what’s the definition of one anyway?  Nicole thinks it’s simply a girl who has high numbers.  I disagree though.  I think a slut is based on behavior, not actions.  A slut is a girl who brags about the sex she has.  It’s the girl who uses sex to get attention.  It’s the girl who you see making out with 6 different guys at the bar in one night.  You know–something you basically see on any given Saturday night at a Lincoln Park bar.  And if that’s you, don’t fret.  I’m not making fun of you.  Be the best slut you can be.  Who am I to judge?

 

So then is it acceptable for men to have higher numbers than women, even at the same age?  Every woman I asked said that although it isn’t fair, it’s acceptable, and actually expected, for men to have higher numbers.  Huh?  How does that even remotely make sense?  As a population wouldn’t male and female numbers generally be the same?  If ours are higher as a whole then doesn’t mean we men are having sex with the same small group of high-numbered women?  That’s just plain wrong on so many levels.  Gotta love the double standard, huh?

 

I guess in the end numbers don’t mean anything because you’ll never get the truth anyway.  Girls always drop their numbers while men always round theirs up.  Why would you purposefully place yourself in the “double condom required” category simply because you confessed your high numbers?  Your numbers are personal.  They’re not for bragging.  Reporting your true numbers will just open yourself up to scrutiny and judgment.  No good can come of it.  It’s like handing Naomi Cambell a cell phone and then daring her to whip it at you.  I think we all know how that would turn out.

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Beware of Sexual False Advertising

July 28, 2008

Through a mixture of experience and conceit I’m pretty sure I got the whole sex and dating thing down pretty well.  Even so, every now and then something in the crazy world of sex and dating throws me for a loop.  I know…hard to believe, but true.

Here’s the scenario:  you have a booty call relationship with someone where they basically come over way after sundown for sex.  It’s not JUST sex, mind you.  There is a little hanging out, chatting, and catching up before the clothes go a-flyin’.  You both know what the relationship is and you’re cool with it.  It’s all good, right?  Well…

Once in a blue moon one of these people will contact you for a would-be booty call and here’s how the convo goes:  Her:  “Want some company?”  You:  “Sure, come on by.”  Her:  “You sure it’s not too late?”  You:  Nope,  definitely come by”  Her:  “Ok, just so you know, though, it’s that time of the month.”

Silence.

That’s what we in the sex and dating biz call false advertising.  She used the unwritten protocol of asking if I want company, which in the past with her has ALWAYS meant “do you want me to come over for sex” to corner me into a non-sex hang-out session.  She dangled the bait and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Granted they may do this unintentionally with no sinister motives, but it doesn’t make the advertising any less false.

Intentional or not, it’s false advertising because the late-night visit offer after a night out drinking with her friends implies sex.  Why?  Because every other sexual encounter with her started the exact same way.  She drops the time of the month bombshell only after I’m all in.  Now I’m obligated; there’s no turning back.  If I say, “Oh it is?  Umm…well let’s save it for another time then,” then I look like a major a-hole.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like a non-sex visit with them is horrible. In fact it’s cool to hang out with them sometimes — just maybe not THAT night.  Maybe I don’t wanna watch a movie.  Maybe I don’t wanna have idle chit-chat about how my last shift at the firehouse was.  Maybe I was just in the mood for sex.  It was the classic bait and switch.

Sure it sounds harsh, but that’s the way the world works…at least the sex and dating world.  And for you haters out there, don’t go assuming I expect sex every time a gal drops by.  So not true.  If a booty call asks on a non-sex occasion to just hang out that’s completely fine.  I like chillin’ too.  But mention it right away; don’t present the offer similar to every other sexual visit and then drop the no sex disclaimer when it’s too late to back out.  It’s like offering me ice cream and when I say, “yes” you say, “well too bad, I don’t have any.” 

In corporate America businesses can get sued for false advertising.  While I don’t suggest something that harsh where sex is concerned, steps should still be taken to avoid it.  Be open and upfront about what the late night visit is about to avoid any drama later.  If you’re close enough to have sex with the person then there should be no awkwardness in telling them right away if sex going to be part of the itinerary.  That way there’ll be less disappointment, less misunderstandings, and maybe even less lawsuits.

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.comand make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff on NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com


Ladies: Invites Aren’t Always Booty Calls

April 7, 2008

As so many of us single people do after a night of drinking and feeling pretty randy, I decided to send a witty text to a girl I was dating telling her she should really drop by to see me.  After the brief cyberspace pause my phone began to vibrate as if it was saying, “Get ready, stud, you’re about to have a visitor.”  But the brakes came to a screeching halt when I read the words on the screen that said, “Sorry hunny, I’m not a booty call.”

 

Ouch.

 

I stared at the thing for a moment waiting for the second message to come through saying, “Just kidding.  I’ll be right there.”  But the message never came.  It was real.

 

The reason I was so floored was because I didn’t consider her a booty call at all. Would sex have happened if she came over? Probably. But it wasn’t the sole reason for the invite. I legitimately liked spending time with her.

 

When I spoke to her the next day, I asked why she thought the invite was a booty call, and she said it was because of the time of night. Excuse me? It’s silly to think that when the clock strikes a certain hour honest invites turn into shady booty calls.  If that were the case then guys all over the world would be doing mad calling and texting at 1:59 am to beat the 2 am booty call deadline.

 

No my friends, what makes an invite a booty call isn’t logistical things such as the time of night or your alcohol content.  It’s deeper than that.  It’s how you view the girl.  It’s based solely on whether you consider her just a booty call, or someone you really like spending time with. Think about it: if a guy is in a serious relationship with a girl he’s been with for 2 years and he texts her at 2 am to come over, she’s not a booty call.  Why? Because he doesn’t see her that way. It’s his girlfriend, someone he wants to spend time with regardless of the hour. But the dude that sends the same text at the same time to a girl he only sees on weekends in the wee hours of the morning is a booty call – he knows it and she knows it — and she’s fine with it.

 

Think of it this way:  a booty call is a noun AND a verb.  The verb booty call is something you do, but the noun booty call is what you are.  If you consider your partner as the noun then you see her as just another booty call.  But if you do the verb version with your partner you don’t think of her as just another booty call.  She’s a tier above – like the dude that booty-called his own girlfriend. 

 

So ladies before you’re quick to chastise a guy for booty calling you, first ask yourself if you’re the noun or the verb.  If you’re the noun, and you don’t want to be, you have reason to be offended.  But if you’re the verb, it’s not a bad thing.  Don’t overanalyze.  Just go over there and verb his brains out.

 

You can find out more about Jon at www.jonibrahim.com and make sure to check out his podcasts “The Fireman & the Shrink” and all the other cool sex stuff at NBC’s Better Sex page at www.nbc5.com/bettersex.  You can email Jon at sex911@nbc5.com